The Gift In The Struggle
Almost all of us join the path of masculine self development due to an Awakening very often due to relationship struggles.
We have since found we had failed ourselves along the way and as we have now worked on ourselves we have evolved and become better.
Regardless of if the relationship lasts, or was saved evolving to a 2.0 relationship, never forget that this struggle, this obstacle, was actually one of the greatest blessings in your life.
From it was born the best version of you, with the greatest potential life outcome long-term for you and your loved ones.
Never devalue the gift of the struggles because Great Men are formed through their struggles much like steel is tempered by fire.
Struggling in your relationship or lacking brotherhood? Join us at mentoring men with over 20 group coaching sessions a month, free courses, and over two dozen live meetups every year.
Are You Lacking Self-Discipline? 75 Hard: Your Potential Path to Transformation
In today's world of instant gratification and constant distractions, self-discipline has become a rare commodity. We scroll endlessly on social media, put off tasks until the last minute, and struggle to resist tempting treats. All of us can fall into bad habits like these.
This lack of self-control can leave us feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, and stuck in a rut. But what if there was a way to break free from this cycle and unlock a new level of inner strength? Enter 75 Hard, a 75-day self-discipline program. It is NOT a challenge. It is not a physical challenge, though it has a significant physical component. What could you accomplish if you had self-discipline like steel?
As we are coming to the end of 2023 it feels like the right time to have this discussion as you look at what you want to accomplish in 2024………………thinking about your goals and when if you decide to give 75 Hard a try will you start.
Before we dive into 75 Hard's transformative potential, let's honestly assess our self-discipline: are we truly masters of our own minds and bodies? Do we consistently follow through on commitments, even when it's tough? Can we resist temptations and stay focused on long-term goals? If the answer is a hesitant "sometimes" or a resounding "no," then it's time to consider the root cause.
Common Culprits of Crumbling Self-Discipline:
Distraction: The constant barrage of notifications, alerts, and new content bombards our brains, making it hard to stay focused on any one task.
Procrastination: We fear failure, judgement, or even just the initial discomfort of starting, so we push things off until the pressure mounts.
Lack of goals: Without clear, compelling objectives, our actions become aimless and easily swayed by fleeting impulses.
Negative self-talk: We criticize ourselves, belittle our efforts, and focus on past failures, chipping away at our motivation and confidence.
Unhealthy habits: Sugary treats, excessive screen time, and inadequate sleep sap our energy and willpower, making it harder to resist temptations and follow through on commitments.
These are just a few factors that can erode our self-discipline, leaving us feeling like puppets on the strings of our impulses. But there is hope. 75 Hard isn't just another fad diet or a quick fix; it's a comprehensive program that tackles self-discipline from multiple angles, rebuilding it brick by brick. It will change your life.
This program is deceptively simple yet profoundly impactful. Simple does not mean easy though. For 75 days straight, you must adhere to five non-negotiable rules:
Diet: Follow a clean eating plan, avoiding alcohol, added sugars, and most highly processed foods. You can decide, carnivore, keto, vegan or tracking macros- the choice is up to you.
Exercise: Complete two 45-minute workouts daily, one must be outdoors.
Read 10 pages of non-fiction: Feed your mind with knowledge and inspiration.
Drink 1 gallon of water: Stay hydrated and flush out toxins. Plain water, no additives.
Take a progress photo: Track your physical and mental transformation. I disliked this, until I was done.
These rules may seem straightforward, but the real challenge lies in consistency. There are no cheat days, heck no cheat meals, no excuses. 75 Hard pushes you out of your comfort zone, forcing you to confront your weaknesses and build resilience.
If you fail any aspect, you must start over at day one. I failed to take a progress pic on day 14 and had to restart, so my first 75 Hard took 89 days. Andy Frisella did not design this to be easy.
75 Hard: Benefits Beyond the Physical:
While the program promises physical results, its true value lies in the deeper transformation. Participants report:
Increased willpower: You learn to resist temptations and say no to distractions, empowering you in all areas of life.
Improved mental clarity: Focus becomes laser-sharp, allowing you to tackle complex tasks with ease.
Enhanced confidence: Completing 75 Hard instills a belief in your own capabilities, making you unstoppable.
Greater self-awareness: You gain a deeper understanding of your triggers, habits, and what truly motivates you.
Unwavering discipline: This challenge becomes a foundation for building self-discipline that extends far beyond the program's 75 days.
75 Hard is not for the faint of heart. It requires a commitment to self-improvement, a willingness to face discomfort, and a relentless drive to push beyond your perceived limits. But for those who dare to embrace it, the rewards are immeasurable. You'll emerge with a newfound level of self-control, a resilient mind, and the power to turn any goal into reality.
For those that complete it often they say it is “transformational” or “life changing”.
So, are you lacking self-discipline? Don't resign yourself to a life of unfulfilled potential. Don’t lie to yourself and make weak resolutions when it comes to New Years……commit to change………to upgrading yourself in more ways than you realize. Consider 75 Hard. It may just be the catalyst you need to unlock the powerhouse within and take control of your own destiny.
Remember, self-discipline isn't a magic pill; it's a muscle that needs to be trained. 75 Hard provides the rigorous workout, but the long-term results depend on your continued commitment to self-improvement. Are you ready to step into the arena and forge the self-discipline you deserve? The answer lies within you.
If you would like to discuss this or other areas you may want to work on and improve drop me a line at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org.
The Dynamics of Intimacy: Understanding Women's Initiation and Rejection in Relationships
Recently Melanie and I had a discussion regarding relationships, and intimacy around sexual dynamics, including the initiation of intimate encounters and the impact of rejection. Most men don't realize this is a two-way street.
The conversation (link is at the bottom of the article) touched upon the challenges women face when it comes to initiating intimacy in relationships. One essential component of the conversation was the acknowledgment of the various reasons behind women's reluctance to initiate intimate moments.
What surprises most men is that women may experience fear of rejection, uncertainty about how to initiate, and a concern that their efforts may not be reciprocated or appreciated. These sentiments are compounded by societal expectations and personal experiences, culminating in a hesitancy to express their desires openly. This becomes even more difficult for a woman if she's faced this rejection before.
We also discussed the importance of men developing their skills in the bedroom and prioritizing their partner's pleasure. The profound impact of focusing on a partner's satisfaction was emphasized, highlighting that when a woman's needs are attended to, she becomes more receptive to intimate advances. Plain and simple great sex is far more appealing than bad sex too all people. Keep in mind none of this is at the exclusion of the man's pleasure.
We also delved into the emotional ramifications of rejection in the context of intimacy, underscoring the mental and emotional challenges that arise from feeling unappreciated or dismissed. A significant facet of this challenge is the societal narrative that men are primarily interested in one thing, which can deeply influence a woman's self-worth and confidence in initiating intimate moments. The reality is this is a lie, what men want is connection and intimacy not just sex.
Keep in mind both men and women may internalize rejection, and the impact of women's past experiences in relationships on their willingness to initiate intimacy in current relationships was also emphasized. Beyond the sexual aspect, men and women both want connection, intimacy, and non-sexual physical closeness.
I want to reiterate again connection and intimacy need to be the focus and a great sex life is a byproduct of that.
Also men sometimes have a very narrow definition of sex, penis and vagina (PIV) being what they see is sex. If this is how you view sex, you may actually be the problem as to why your sex life is suffering or is less than.
The key to a great sex life is open communication and an understanding there are many means of intimate connection, such as cuddling, during times when physical intimacy may not be feasible, non sexual touch. Keep in mind men that you should have a giving energy around these things. Are you giving a hug or are you hugging to get something?
If you are looking to get it is a needy energy that is repulsive to women. And they can feel your energy, so be honest with yourself, are you looking to get? Or are you giving from a loving and abundant heart?
Also through many conversations with women if you act upset and throw a fit when she is not in the mood or feeling it that does not make her want to be intimate with you more and may actually kill off that desire for far longer.
So brother I ask you, if you are honest and take a look within are you looking to get sex or you looking to give, grow and connect with an open and loving heart?
The other challenge we all face is most people cannot even talk about sex. How can you improve something if you can't even openly talk about it with your partner?
If you struggling these areas feel free to reach out to either Melanie or I for a conversation as this is something that can be worked on and improved upon.
Our contact information is below.
Don't navigate the complexities of relationships alone.
https://youtu.be/7kLPraAP7SQ?si=aJ8NM0Ztb9SxhfSX
Are You Lacking This?
Where are you currently lacking self-discipline?
What issues cause you to respond from a victim mindset instead of rising to the challenge for yourself?
What fear do you get to avoid by playing the role of the victim? Often as men we create - and continue to manifest our own pain and suffering - by clinging to the story's - the lies that we tell ourselves.
We become comfortable with our level of suffering - because it is what we know - we are used to it - we are familiar with it.
Also we lie to ourselves - telling our scared in her child that - divorce, separation, the end of a relationship, leaving a job, would be worse and more painful.
It is a lie design to keep us safe - safe in The suffering that we know. Safe in the comfort of familiar pain - safe in the discomfort of just existing instead of living and thriving.
Yes personal growth and change IS UNCOMFORTABLE -because discomfort is part of the growth process.
Tell me where are you accepting comfortable suffering - being, existing in a less than situation instead of leading yourself through the pain and discomfort of growth, challenge, personal development and discomfort that leads to greater happiness, meaning, and fulfillment?
Girlfriend Qualifying System
One of the biggest mistake men make after a divorce is dating to soon. If you have not worked on yourself, love yourself and your alone time, you are not ready to date.
You do not need to be in a rush to start dating, you have a lifetime to date, and have fun.
Now when you are ready to date, I always teach men to date 2-3 women as very often men who are not ready to date often find the first woman they are dating to be “amazing, she is awesome.” This is because they have been in an intimacy starved relationship for so long that any attention is a pleasant surprise.
I want to be clear that I am talking about dating multiple women while being open and honest about it. No lying, just an honest statement of “I am recently divorced and just starting to date again, I am not willing to jump into an exclusive relationship right away- it wouldn’t be fair to you or me.”
Because of the joy of actually experience, connection, intimacy and spending time with a fun woman, men often overlook red flags and jump into a relationship way too early. This guide is designed to help you avoid that mistake.
You need to evaluate any potential girlfriend through two lenses. Does she have 80% of the qualities you want in a partner. Finding a woman with 80% of the qualities you want makes her a great potential partner. Does she have any deal breakers? One deal breaker eliminates her as a girlfriend, but she might still be okay to be a FWB.
Take 20 minutes and think about the qualities you want in a partner
Employed Intelligent Happy Disposition Proximity to you
Likes kids Has kids Doesn’t have kids Physically fit
Enjoys hiking Enjoys dancing Likes live music Similar musical taste
Cooks Ability to travel Self sufficient What age range?
Is kinky Playful Honest Similar hobbies
Understands guy time Is comfortable with self Loves sex
Can talk about sex College educated Has done self-work
Easy to talk to Similar sex drives
This is not an all inclusive list, and some of these may not be qualities you care about add to this list as you see fit.
Take 10 minutes to identify the deal breakers
Smoker Does Drugs Drinks to excess Lives too far away
Has small kids Has not worked on or is not working on herself DUI history
Blames ex for 100% of the problems Is a feminist Talks down about men
Has significant consumer debt Lives beyond her means Doesn’t like kids
Doesn’t want kids (you have kids) Has criminal record Has chronic illnesses
Has significant food sensitives/incompatibility (You carnivore-her vegan)
Generally unhappy Has victim mentality Looking to marry right away
Not intelligent Negative outlook/attitude Only talks about politics
Wants kids (you are good with what you have)
This is not an all-inclusive list, and some of these may not be deal breakers for you.
Men Seeking Meaningful Relationships: Breaking the Cycle of Frustration
Do you ever feel stuck in a relationship rut? You try to make things better, but progress seems fleeting, and you find yourself back in the same unsatisfying place. You're not alone. Many men experience this frustrating cycle, often feeling helpless and unsure how to break free.
What if you shifted the focus from "struggling" to "seeking growth." These men aren't just stuck; they're yearning for deeper connection and fulfillment in their relationships and life. They recognize the need for change, even if it's uncomfortable.
They might appear when things are at their lowest, seeking support and understanding. But often, the initial motivation fades, and they disappear for months before resurfacing with the same pain and unresolved issues 6 months later
Here are some common traits these men share:
• Unresolved relationship concerns: Past conflicts, relationship issues, and unmet needs linger, preventing the relationship from flourishing. Often in a sexless or low sex marriage it lacks almost all forms of intimacy.
• Stagnation instead of growth: They exist in a comfortable routine, neglecting personal development and failing to invest in their own and the relationship's potential. They are not truly living an amazing life they are just existing.
• Passivity towards change: They wait for external factors to fix their situation instead of taking proactive steps towards progress. An external locus of control will always keep you in the role of a victim.
• Self-neglect: Their own needs and desires get pushed aside, leading to frustration and resentment.
A mentor once wisely told me, "nothing changes until you do," and it is a universal law of growth. Our Mentoring Men courses cater to men who recognize this truth and want to unlock their potential to create a fulfilling life with healthy relationships.
But it's not just about men taking responsibility. Building fulfilling relationships requires open communication and effort from both partners. By understanding each other's needs and working together, couples can create a space for mutual growth and happiness. But you understand that as the man who is supposed to be leading the relationship, you must go first.
Here are some empowering questions to ask yourself:
• Do I actively communicate my needs and concerns in the relationship?
• Am I willing to listen openly and empathize with my partner's perspective?
• Do I invest in personal growth activities that can benefit myself and my relationship?
• Do I prioritize my own well-being alongside the needs of my partner?
• Do I always put everyone's needs above my own?
If you're ready to break the cycle of frustration and embark on a journey towards a more fulfilling relationship, we encourage you to explore our resources. Remember, change can be uncomfortable, but the rewards of growth are worth the effort.
Here's what you can do today:
• Download our free video: "It Takes Two! And other bullsh!t that men in unhappy, sexless marriages believe." https://youtu.be/bIou330Aic8?si=Fhd6AWLmkGrBO2Mz
• Join our online community: Connect with other men looking to build positive relationships. https://mentoring.men/joindennisonnect with Dennis: https://mentoring.men/mentor-with-dennis-collins
• Schedule a free consultation: Discuss your specific challenges and explore personalized support options.
Let's move away from judgment and blame. Instead, let's focus on empowering men and promoting healthy relationships through open communication, personal growth, and collaborative effort. Together, we can create a space where everyone thrives.
Don't just exist – live and learn. Change starts with you, and the possibilities for a fulfilling relationship are waiting to be explored.
If you are ready to start leading the change you want to see in your life click on the link below for FREE ACCESS to three of our courses including The Failing Marriage
She did nothing for Father's Day..........again! A nice guy's complaint.
I understand that discussing this topic might stir some emotions and hurt some feelings, but it's important to address a pattern I've noticed: many well-intentioned individuals find themselves feeling neglected on special occasions, like Father's Day or their birthday, by their partners. Rather than blame the partner, it's time to take a closer look at our own actions and mindset. I am intentionally posting this 10 days before Father’s Day……….so you have time to do something different this year.
Every year, I see a wave of disappointment expressed by men in various men’s group online. They recount how, once again, their special day passed without acknowledgment from their significant other. The disappointment is real, especially when compared with the effort these same men put into celebrating their partner's occasions. (Often going overboard in a nice guy unattractive way) This recurring theme speaks to a deeper issue – a need for introspection.
It's essential to recognize that playing the victim only perpetuates the cycle. Your partner's actions, or lack thereof, are not the problem; it's your response to them that matters. If someone consistently demonstrates a disregard for your special days, it's time to heed Maya Angelou's advice: "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them."
Instead of dwelling on disappointment and wallowing in victimhood it's time to reclaim control. This begins with leading yourself.
Start by asking yourself: What do YOU genuinely want to do to celebrate Father's Day? Whether it's fishing, attending a ball game, playing golf, or visiting the gun range, the choice is yours. Take ownership of your happiness.
Once you've decided on your ideal celebration, consider who you want to share it with. Perhaps it's quality time with your children, time with buddies, or even a solo adventure. Notice that I intentionally omitted the option of including a partner who consistently overlooks your needs.
If you desire a different outcome, YOU must be willing to take different actions. Before you can lead others, you must first lead yourself. This means prioritizing your well-being and happiness.
I often hear concerns about upsetting the partner with these decisions. But ask yourself: Why fear upsetting someone who disregards your feelings and needs? Continuing down the same path will only yield the same results. It's time for a change with your mindset and attitude so you can have a change in outcome.
Are you ready to take charge of your life?
Are you prepared to show yourself the kindness and love you deserve?
Are you ready to prioritize yourself?
Are you ready to stop being a victim?
This Father's Day presents an opportunity for you to make a positive course correction…..embrace it.
So, how will you celebrate Father's Day this year? The choice is yours.
Overcoming Fear: Embrace a Fulfilling Life
Are you allowing fear to dictate your life?
Many of us fail to recognize the abundance in our lives and unknowingly live from a place of fear, which prevents us from truly experiencing the richness life has to offer.
It's natural to worry about the things that could go wrong, but in reality, the majority of these fears never come to pass. Living in a perpetual state of fear dims our inner light and keeps us from fully embracing life, forcing us to play defense rather than living life to its fullest potential.
We live in an age vastly different from our ancestors, where survival no longer hinges on escaping daily threats like lions or searching for food through hunting and farming. Consequently, much of our fear today is irrational and unnecessary. Stoic philosophers argued that it is illogical to fear what is beyond our control and not to fear what we can control.
Epictetus, a prominent Stoic philosopher, once said, "When I see an anxious person, I ask myself, what do they want? For if a person wasn't wanting something outside of their own control, why would they be stricken by anxiety?"
Undoubtedly, modern conveniences have made our lives more comfortable, but they have also made us softer and more prone to anxiety. We find ourselves entangled in mental gymnastics, worrying about things that our ancestors and Stoics would have dismissed as insignificant.
If you find yourself living in fear, it's essential to recognize that you are merely existing, not truly living a fulfilling life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not feared. It's time to break free from the shackles of fear and embrace the opportunities that life presents.
Here are some practical steps to help you overcome fear and lead a more fulfilling life:
Identify your fears: Take a moment to reflect on the fears that hold you back. Understanding what triggers these emotions is the first step in conquering them.
Rationalize your fears: Question the validity of your fears. Ask yourself whether they are based on actual threats or merely perceptions. More often than not, you'll find that your fears are blown out of proportion.
Focus on what you can control: Accept that certain aspects of life are beyond your control. Instead of dwelling on them, shift your focus to what you can influence and take positive action in those areas.
Practice gratitude: Recognize the abundance in your life and cultivate a sense of gratitude. Acknowledging the blessings you have can help diminish feelings of fear and lack.
Embrace discomfort: Growth often comes from stepping out of your comfort zone. Embrace challenges and view them as opportunities for personal development.
Seek support: Share your fears and anxieties with trusted friends or seek professional help if needed. Sometimes, talking about your fears can provide valuable insights and relief.
Develop resilience: Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are inevitable. Building resilience will help you navigate through tough times with greater ease.
Live mindfully: Engage in mindfulness practices to stay present and avoid getting lost in fearful thoughts about the future.
Remember, living in fear hinders your true potential and prevents you from leading a fulfilling life. It means you will never live to your full potential as a man, father, or husband. By embracing courage and a positive outlook, you can break free from the chains of fear and experience life's wonders to the fullest. So, make a conscious choice to step into the unknown, and you'll be amazed at the beauty that unfolds.
Share with me below what is your biggest fear?
Does it serve you? What about a dry 2024?
As the confetti cannons fall silent and the resolutions of a "new year, new me" echo in the air, one bold declaration might seem particularly daunting: Dry 2024. The thought of navigating a year shorn of the celebratory clinking of glasses, the after-work unwinding with friends over beers, or the cozy comfort of a glass of wine by the fire can feel like a daunting task that kills the festive cheer. But before you dismiss the idea as joyless self-denial, listen to a different sound: the joyful roar of clarity, the clinking of pennies saved (lots of dollars actually), the buzz of renewed energy, and bliss of increased focus.
I have been tossing this idea around for a while now. After doing 75 Hard I went over 90 days without a drink. I did not miss it. Nothing wrong with enjoying a drink now and again, but I did not miss it.
Alcohol – the social lubricant, the stress reliever, the liquid companion – casts a long and sometimes deceptive shadow. While it undoubtedly holds a place in many cultures and personal rituals, its impact on our physical and mental well-being often gets glossed over in the warm glow of a well-mixed cocktail. So, let's peel back the layers and delve into the reasons why choosing to ditch the booze in 2024 might be the most illuminating resolution you'll ever make. I will also share something else the cause me to drink significantly less.
The Shadow Side of the Spirits:
The dark side of alcohol isn't a hidden monster lurking in the shadows. It's plain to see in the statistics: 1 in 20 adults have an alcohol use disorder, costing the US alone $249 billion annually. It's evident in the silent struggle of those dealing with dependence, the heartbreak of families fractured by addiction, and the tragic rise in alcohol-related fatalities. It's whispered in the hangovers that drain our productivity and the whispers of anxiety that follow a night of overindulgence.
Beyond the immediate, alcohol wreaks havoc on our bodies, acting as a carcinogen, disrupting sleep patterns, and compromising our immune systems. It fattens our livers, strains our hearts, and dulls our cognitive abilities. It weakens our resolve, erodes our judgment, and leaves us vulnerable to accidents and risky behaviors. It becomes a silent thief of energy, time, and ultimately, our well-being.
Over the last 5 plus years it has been common to see men who because of relationship challenge to fall into a very bad habit of drinking not occasionally but regularly, or daily! Sometimes the regular or daily drinking – a numbing behavior because a man is unhappy living a less than life, causes the relationship problems.
Stepping into the Sunshine:
But here's the thing: choosing Dry 2024 isn't about succumbing to a joyless, teetotal existence. It's about claiming back the sunshine stolen by the shadow. It's about saying "no" to the thief and reclaiming the most precious treasures – your health, your clarity, your life.
The benefits of a dry year are a symphony of positive notes:
Physical Harmony: Your body becomes a finely tuned instrument. Your liver sighs in relief, shedding the burden of constant detoxification. Your sleep deepens, leaving you refreshed and energized. Your skin glows with the newfound radiance of inner health. Your immune system becomes a fortified castle, warding off illness.
Mental Clarity: The fog lifts, revealing a world in sharp focus. Your mind becomes a clear canvas, primed for creativity and productivity. Decision-making becomes sharper, anxieties dissipate, and emotional resilience strengthens. You discover a newfound self-awareness, a deeper connection to your own thoughts and feelings.
Financial Freedom: The clinking of coins in your pocket replaces the clinking of ice in glasses. Alcohol expenses melt away, freeing up resources for experiences, adventures, and passions long neglected. You become a savvy investor in your own well-being, reaping the dividends of healthy choices.
Relationships Deepen: The walls built around your true self by inhibitions crumble. You connect with others on a deeper, more authentic level. Communication becomes open and honest, relationships strengthen, and new connections blossom in the fertile ground of genuine engagement. Life is better when numbing behaviors are eliminated.
Embracing the Fizz of Sobriety:
Dry 2024 isn't about deprivation. It's about liberation. It's about discovering the intoxicating buzz of a fulfilling life lived on your own terms. It's about replacing the artificial highs of alcohol with the heady cocktail of self-respect, confidence, and well-being.
Prior to dating Melanie my previous significant relationship was with a woman who was a heavy drinker. As happens with relationships, I naturally drank more while dating her. After that relationship ended I eventually started dating Melanie who is allergic to alcohol. This led to two significant positive changes. One I decreased my alcohol intake significantly by having a partner who does not drink. Second the cost of date nights when down significantly!!! Think about the cost difference of going out for Mexican, that used to be $50-$60 pre-tip, is now $30-$35 pre-tip!!!!!
The journey won't be without its challenges. Social pressure, tempting occasions, and cravings may rear their heads. But remember, you're not alone. Seek support from loved ones, the brothers on Mentoring.men, and professional resources if needed. Find creative ways to celebrate, explore alcohol-free alternatives, and embrace the sparkling world of sober joy. If you need alcohol that is a sign you have a problem………and may need professional help to deal with your addiction.
Remember, Dry 2024 isn't just about abstaining from alcohol. It's about embarking on a voyage of self-discovery and a transformation fueled by the potent energy of a life reclaimed. It's about stepping into the sunshine, leaving the shadows behind, and raising a glass – of sparkling water, perhaps – to the invigorating clarity and vibrant health that awaits. So, raise your glass (or sparkling water flute) and say cheers to a brighter, bolder, and infinitely more alive you in 2024! This also means when I get married at the end of May 2024, Melanie and I will be toasting with sparkling grape juice.
Join me in an alcohol free 2024!
A Course That Can Save You $10,000+ In A Divorce!
Over the last few years I have helped countless men navigate the mindfields of divorce. Finally I have to decided to create an online course to support more men in this situation.
This course is the culmination of over five years of experience coaching men through the challenging process of divorce, and it's aptly titled, "This Course Will Save You $10,000+ in A Divorce!"
Over the years, I've had the privilege of coaching numerous men through both marital struggles and divorce. While about half the men have turned their marriage around, half have gone through divorce. I have come to the realization many men may not be able to afford one-on-one coaching, so I have created a course aims to provide accessible guidance to navigate the complexities of divorce.
When faced with the sudden shock of separation or divorce, many men find themselves ill-prepared to handle the emotional and logistical challenges that lie ahead. Often, they make critical mistakes that only exacerbate their situation.
One common mistake, in particular, can cost thousands and lead to unnecessary conflicts: dating during the divorce process. Even if your soon-to-be-ex gives you the green light or is dating herself, jumping into a new relationship prematurely can backfire spectacularly.
It's crucial to resist the temptation to seek companionship until the divorce is finalized. Not only does dating during this time risk inflaming tensions with your ex, but it can also complicate legal proceedings and lead to costly delays.
I've witnessed countless amicable divorces derailed by one party's decision to start dating prematurely. By adhering to this simple rule—waiting until the divorce is over before dating—you can avoid unnecessary drama and safeguard your financial interests.
This course is designed to provide practical strategies and insights to navigate every stage of the divorce process—from emotional healing to legal considerations. Priced affordably, it's a valuable resource that can offer much-needed guidance and support during this challenging time.
So, if you're grappling with the painful reality of divorce or separation, consider investing in yourself and your future by enrolling in "This Course Will Save You $10,000+ in A Divorce!" Remember, it's priced lower than a consultation with an attorney, making it accessible to men seeking guidance during this stressful period.
The video I discuss this in is here This Video Can Save You Thousands
Struggling in your marriage, if you would like help feel free to click on the link below for FREE ACCESS to three of our Mentoring Men courses including The Failing Marriage Recovery Plan: https://mentoring.men/courses/ It might suprise you to know that approximately half the men in our community who have heard "I want a divorce" or "I want space" are now happily married.........to that same woman 2-3 years later.
If you are considering divorce or facing one, what you don't know will not only hurt you but cost you a lot of money. This course is designed to educate you about divorce, and the mistakes that can cost you thousands of dollars and sometimes tens of thousands of dollars. I designed the course I wish I had almost 20 years ago in my wife said I wanted divorce."
Have You Made A New Year's Resolution? It's Not To Late To Correct That Mistake!!!
Resolutions are a waste of time. Within 6 weeks 90% of resolutions have been given up on or forgotten!!!!
So don't waste your time with resolutions.
Goals however are different. To be effective goals need to be SMART.
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Time-bound
Even that alone isn't enough to guarantee success. To be effective in accomplishing your goals you need a process or system implemented to achieve them. Just setting a goal without a plan to achieve it will be as ineffective as making a resolution.
So if you have a goal of losing 20#s in 3 months, just setting the goal is no more effective than the New Year's resolution. But if you set the goal, with a plan/system to lift 3x a week, walk 10,000 or more steps a day, and clean up your diet eliminating highly processed food like substances, added sugar, and no alcohol- then you have a goal and a way to achieve the goal. The chances of you doing this is extremely high.
Now one last part.........
You will screw up. You will miss going to the gym. You will go out with friends one night and go off your eating plan. Do you know what that makes you? A human.
But here is the trick that will save you and help you achieve the goal. Never fail at following your plan/system 2 days in a row. Fail, get right back on track the next day. Don't use failing on Friday night as an excuse to not exercise all weekend and eat like crap.
Don't beat yourself up. Acknowledge you screwed up and get back on track.
What is one goal you are focusing on the first quarter of this year?
Stop saying "I want more intimacy!"
Telling, complaining, whining to your wife or girlfriend that you want more intimacy is one of the most unattractive and repulsive things you can do with a woman.
Why?
First it shows that you're not in charge of the romance department, you haven't been running it like you're supposed to.
It also shows that you don't understand intimacy.
I want more intimacy is nice guy, needy guy code for we haven't had sex in a long time I want more sex.
The problem isn't the lack of sex, it is the lack of intimacy and connection in the relationship. From this one symptom is lack of sex. Sex is but one step on the staircase of intimacy.
As a men's coach I have seen and teach that if you focus on connection, and intimacy with your partner, guess what you wouldn't be complaining about lack of sex. And it is not just that they have more sex, when they have a deeply intimate relationship, (and they do) they're connected and the sex is better. You could have sex only two or three times a month. If it is with a partner who you have a deep connection and amazing intimacy you will be satisfied.
I have had three men in the last three weeks reach out to thank me for helping them with the turnaround of their sex life and the improvement in their sex life. Technically there were four calls as one guy called twice.
So what are the keys to a deeply intimate and connected relationship?
You need to lead the romance department. If you have abdicated this role it will take time to correct.
Date your wife. Ideally weekly, minimum twice a month. All to often men stop dating thier wife after they are married. Big mistake.
Be the fun flirty guy. Remember foreplay for Friday or Saturday night begins on Monday.
Listen when she is talking to you.......and hear the emotion behind the words.
If you think intimacy and sex are the same thing, well you are part of the problem. I am including a link to the Staircase of Intimacy podcast I did with coach Jeff Allen. If you are struggling in the bedroom in your relationship you should invest in yourself and learn more about intimacy.
Feel free to reach out if you want to talk about this issue.
What can you learn from watching “How to Build a Sex Room”
After getting 3 or 4 emails and texts about the show with guys telling me that it made them think of me, I decided it was time to check out the show.
I watched the Netflix series “How To Build a Sex Room” with my girlfriend Melanie and my buddy and fellow men’s coach Charlie.
While many of the HGTV crowd might like watching the spicy room transformations, however, the three of us picked up on the relationship issues related to the couples.
Some trends that were very clear with the couples in the show:
*Those with kids lacked boundaries related to their kids.
*They failed to make their bedroom a place just for them.
*Intimacy was not made a priority in the relationship.
Even though there was at least one in each couple that wanted a sex room it was clear that talking about intimacy and sex was a challenge even for some of the couples.
This is not surprising when you factor in that most people cannot even talk about sex, it just further complicates sex and intimacy issues in a relationship.
With one couple the wife must have said a half dozen times “thank you, this is going to save my marriage” – sadly it is not. If I was able to make a wager, it would sadly be that they will be divorced in the next few years unless significant changes are made.
Why?
Her husband acted more like a child. He failed to lead in every way possible. Their bedroom not only broke the “no television” in the bedroom rule, but they had two! This was because he was a gamer and needed a TV just for his gaming console. He chose to play a video game over playing with his wife. There is nothing wrong with being a gamer……….as long as it is not more important than your relationship.
She was dying for masculine leadership. He acted like a clueless 14-year-old. The kids were playing in the bedroom -which was a total mess with dirty clothes everywhere. If he starts to lead and they create boundaries with the kids, this can be turned around.
While I cannot be certain it did appear that regular date nights did not occur with the couples that had children.
As you know this is the kiss of death when it comes to intimacy………………..and long-term relationships.
So let’s talk about some basic rules for the bedroom that can help a woman relax into her femininity and will help make it a space for the two of you to connect and make it your intimate space.
Rules for the bedroom:
*Absolutely no televisions in the bedroom.
*No smartphones in the bedroom.
*No food in the bedroom (except chocolate-covered strawberries on date night)
*Kids do not get free run of it – it is your private space.
Your bedroom should be an inviting space, something you look forward to going into. There should only be three things that happen in your bedroom, sleeping, changing clothes, and having hot sex!
I have candles on both nightstands as they make for a more romantic mood. There is even a painting that is both beautiful and erotic with a naked couple embracing hidden in the design. Nothing but sleep, changing clothes, and intimacy/sex occur in our bedroom.
So why not watch “How to Build A Sex Room” with your wife or girlfriend, it just might spur discussion that might lead to some insights and fun.
If this article jolted your thinking...or made you feel uncomfortable, a feeling that “I could never ask her to watch that show” then maybe that is an indication you need to reevaluate your bedroom situation and a renovation might be needed.
My mission is to help men improve themselves and their relationships. This includes the relationship you have with yourself to be the authentic calm masculine man who leads himself and his relationships including the romance department.
First things first. Let's get you moving in the right direction for now.
Email me now at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org to schedule your conversation. Plan for at least ONE HOUR. I guarantee you will happy you did.
If you do want to talk about coaching programs, groups, and courses, that may take another call.
This might spark a bedroom makeover, who knows maybe you will end up with a sex room too.
Age gap relationships! Good or bad?
Age gap relationships, where one partner is significantly older or younger than the other, have been a topic of interest for many years. These relationships can be found in various forms, from romantic partnerships to platonic friendships. While some may view age gap relationships as unconventional, they are becoming increasingly common in today's society.
However we still often see women shaming men for dating and even marrying younger women.
According to a study conducted by the Pew Research Center, the percentage of couples with a significant age gap has increased over the past few decades.From 1980 till 2015now the percentage of couples who are more than five years apart in age has grown from 4% to 14%.
This increase can be attributed to a variety of factors:
· Acceptance of non-traditional relationships.
· Rise of online dating-creating the ability to connect outside of ones typical social circle.
· Economic factors.
· Increased independence, particularly with women now choosing careers first before pursuing relationships.
· People marrying older. In the last 40 years the average age of a first marriage has gone
from 23 to 29 for men, and 21 to 27 for women.
There is nothing wrong with dating someone 5, 10, or even 20 years younger than yourself.
What is the ideal age gap? Here lies the debate. Some experts believe that a small age gap, such as a few years, is ideal. This allows for both partners to be in similar stages of life and have similar interests. You can be 60 she can be 40 and if you are both done having kids great. But if you are 48 and she is 32 and wanting children, and you are done having kids then this will cause major issues in the relationship.
Others argue that a larger age gap can be beneficial, as it allows for a more diverse range of experiences and perspectives. Ultimately, the ideal age gap in a relationship depends on the individuals involved and their unique needs and wants.
Age gap relationships come with their own set of challenges. One of the most common is the societal judgment and stigma that often comes with these relationships. Many people view age gap relationships as unconventional and may question the motivations of the individuals involved. Additionally, age gap relationships can also be challenging when it comes to navigating the different life stages and experiences of each partner. For example, a relationship between a young adult and an older adult may have issues related to financial stability, career goals, and plans for the future.
Another challenge that may arise in age gap relationships is the potential for a power imbalance. This can occur when one partner is significantly older or more experienced than the other. This power imbalance can lead to issues such as manipulation, control, and lack of autonomy. This comes into play when a man is dating a woman in her early 20’s or younger.
However, age gap relationships can also have many benefits. For example, they can provide individuals with the opportunity to learn from someone with a different perspective and life experience. Additionally, age gap relationships can also be beneficial for individuals who may not be able to connect with individuals in their own age group.
At the end of the day, you should not care what other people say or think about your age gap relationship. A calm, grounded, masculine man will not worry about society’s often wrong or outdated rules.
Full disclosure, my girlfriend is 12 years younger than me! It has caused zero issues. To close, age gap relationships are becoming increasingly common in today's society. While they come with their own set of challenges, they can also be beneficial. Ultimately, the ideal age gap in a relationship depends on the individuals involved and their unique needs and wants.
If you are in this situation and are feeling lost either drifting through life or in your current relationship feel free to email me at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org.
References:
Pew Research Center. (2015). “The Rise of Dating Apps and the Demise of Getting Stuck in a Relationship.
Top 5 Reasons Women Divorce
We know women initiate 80% of the divorces, let’s look at why they divorce.
You can't help but ready a few articles on divorce and you will quickly learn that 80% of divorces are initiated by women. While the reason for this will vary depending on who wrote the article, very often the article fails to dive into why they divorce.
Divorce is an emotionally charged and often difficult topic to discuss, but it's important to look at the underlying reasons why women might choose to divorce their husbands.
TOP 5 REASONS WOMEN INITIATE DIVORCE
· Infidelity
· Financial issues
· Lack of communication
· Physical violence
· Growing apart
1. Infidelity: It seems that no matter the age or time period, unfaithfulness continues to be one of the primary causes of divorce in marriages around the globe. In fact some studies show that 18% of all divorces are due solely to cheating on one or both partners’ part. Women especially feel betrayed when their partner has been unfaithful because it undermines trust and can cause feelings of shame and humiliation as well as hurt. What most articles fail to point out is that cheating occurs at basically the same rate with women and men.
2. Financial Issues: Money is often cited as one of the major sources of stress in many relationships and can be a significant factor in whether or not a couple decides to stay together. In some cases, financial disagreements can lead to arguments that spiral out of control and ultimately lead to divorce proceedings being filed by either party involved. Studies show that 10% of all divorces are attributed directly to money problems between partners such as excessive spending habits or an unwillingness/inability on one person's part to adequately contribute financially towards shared expenses like rent or bills. You need to be on the same page when it comes to money. You need a budget, your own spending money and an agreement on priorities.
3. Lack of Communication: Unfortunately, not being able to effectively communicate with each other is another big contributing factor for why women might decide to part ways with their husband. Poor communication can fuel misunderstandings between couples which can eventually lead them down an irreversible path towards breaking up if not addressed quickly enough by both people involved in the relationship. This account for about 8% of all divorces. There are lots of issues in this category, one or both spouses have difficulty expressing themselves effectively, men not listening, women not listening, women thinking that “hinting” is actually communicating – it is not. This often leads them into conflicts they cannot resolve amicably on their own terms. This is where a good counselors or coach can be very helpful.
4. Physical Violence: Domestic abuse is unfortunately still quite common in today’s world. This reason is cited about 6% of the time. Society often mistaken believe that men assault their wives at a much higher rate than wives assaulting their husbands, this is not true. 58% of assaults are by men, 42% are by women only a difference of 8%. Often, I have women get upset when I discuss this, they want to believe the false narrative that men are the abusers. Ironically the most domestic partnership with the most reports of physical violence are lesbians.
Men if you partner assaults, you call the police and have her arrested. To often I talk to men who are hesitant to do this. When I what would have happened if the roles were reversed they often say she would have called the police. Have her arrested, press charges, get a restraining order. Protect yourself and your children.
It goes without saying physical violence is NEVER acceptable.
5 Growing Apart: Lastly yet certainly not least another key reason possibly causing woman divorcing husband revolves around simply growing apart gradually over time gradually slowly distancing further & further away emotionally & physically basically no longer bonding anymore. One article said this was due to circumstances beyond our control and our busy lives. What a load of crap that is.
You can choose to continue to date your wife, making growing connection and intimacy a priority in your relationship. You must choose to have some getaways without the kids. If you think you can just start to connect again when the kids are out of the house, or when you retire you make get a very unpleasant surprise before you get to that point.
A relationship is like a beautiful vegetable garden. To have a bountiful harvest you have to tend to it and take care of it so it can grow.
Every man needs to watch and learn from “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande”
Hulu has a new movie out “Good Luck To You, Leo Grande” that Melanie and I watched this past weekend.
Instead of the standard, "Pretty Woman" rich man hires a sex worker format this movie flipped the script.
Emma Thompson plays the lead, Nancy Stokes, a 62-year-old retired religious education teacher who is a widow hiring a younger good looking male sex worker to fulfill her sexual bucket list.
I felt sorry for her!
Not because her husband died, but for 30 years the sex consisted of him getting on top of her, penis in vagina sex till he came, and then he rolled off and went to sleep.
Like many women with a strict family or religious upbringing she was:
· Too proper to divorce him.
· Too proper to cheat on him.
· Living a life of quiet desperation.
· She had never had an orgasm! Not even from masturbation.
Unless you have been living under a rock most men should know that less than 19% of women can orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex.
Also between 5-15% of women have never had an orgasm! How sad is that?
This was a wonderful film that all men should watch- because it highlighted some of the sad realities many, if not most women deal with when it comes to body image issues.
Nancy, the lead character believed her body was unattractive. She saw only flaws and nothing else.
She had a constant feeling of not being good enough.
Not being sexy enough.
Not being enough just in general.
She could not see the beauty in her own body.
Sadly this is a reality for many, if not most women.
This was tied to how she was brought up at home, by society, and by the church.
Nancy seeks out an attractive younger male sex worker to help her complete a sexual bucket list. She knows she has missed out on it.
The funny thing is her mindset is what prevents her from enjoying sex. She sees it as something to “get over with”, approaching the bucket list as a “to-do” list of chores to be done. Sadly she does not include "have an orgasm" on that list because she believes she is not capable of that.
Leo Grande is the good-looking young 29-year-old sex worker who she hires, played by Daryl McCormack - who did a wonderful job with the role. He even consulted with several sex workers in preparation for this role.
· He focused on connecting with Nancy.
· He focused on dancing up and down the staircase of intimacy, not just jumping straight to sex.
· He helped her feel beautiful.
· He helped her understand that she was enough.
Your family, your church, and society have done a huge disservice to both men and women, keeping them ignorant when it comes to sex education, and shaming them for many aspects of sex.
Sex should be enjoyed! Not done to “get over with it” -though quickies can be a lot of fun.
As a man, if your sex education stopped with school, you are doing yourself, and any of your partners an incredible disservice.
Sadly most people men, and women cannot even talk about sex!
If you cannot talk to your partner about your desires, dreams, fantasies, kinks, and fetishes when it comes to sex how could you ever hope to have a fulfilling sex life?
If you cannot talk to your partner about your desires, dreams, fantasies, kinks, and fetishes when it comes to sex how could you ever hope to have a fulfilling sex life?
I help men get to this place where they can do this. You will be shocked what even one conversation can do for you.
If you desire to become more aware, grounded, curious, and most importantly confident with
discussions like this with the woman you love, click on the link below to schedule a personal
conversation.
My Wife Wants Me To Move Out!!
It can be a difficult and emotional time when your wife tells you she wants you to move out. The first thing you should do is take a deep breath and not make any hasty decisions. There is no urgency to just comply with her request.
A man should never move out without understanding the legal ramifications. Instead, you should book a free consultation with an attorney to find out what your legal rights are. Moving out can have a negative impact on your custody situation with your children and your property rights depending on the jurisdiction, so it's important to make informed decisions.
It's also important to remember that just because your wife wants you to move out, it doesn't mean you have to. Instead, you can try to find a compromise that works for both of you. For example, you can offer to help her find an apartment if she wants space but make it clear that you are not willing to leave your home and children. An in-house separation might also be possible. If you have minor children, you should agree to a 50/50 joint shared custody agreement so both parents have responsibility for the children. It is also less traumatic for the kids versus one parent just disappearing.
If you find yourself in a situation where the house is not in your name, it's still important to not move out without seeking legal counsel. Make sure you have bank statements or other evidence that shows you live at the address, so your wife can't try to kick you out and claim you don't live there.
Additionally, if you are in an awkward situation where the house is in your wife's name, it doesn't mean you have to move out. If you have established residency there, she would have to go through an eviction process to remove you.
If you want to stay married to her, both of you need to work on the issues in your marriage. First individually then after each of you work on yourselves, then and only then should you do couples counseling.
If the answer is no, and you've been miserable for a long time, you might take a different approach. Remember, you are not alone and there are resources available to help you navigate this difficult situation. Take this as the time to work on yourself, you will be in a better position mentally regardless of the outcome.
It's always better to seek some help and support, whether it's from a therapist, coach, or men's community. Remember, separation or divorce is not fatal. You have the responsibility to make the best decision for yourself and your family.
If you are in this situation and are feeling lost email me at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org.
Sexless Marriage Issues
A sexless marriage is defined as a marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses. This lack of physical intimacy can lead to a variety of problems, both emotionally and physically. Definition is sex less than 10 times a year. This effects between 15%+ of all couples.
Emotionally, a sexless marriage can lead to feelings of rejection and inadequacy for both partners. When one partner is not interested in having sex, it can make the other partner feel unwanted and unattractive. This can lead to feelings of depression, low self-esteem, and even resentment towards the partner who is not interested in sex.
Physically, a lack of sexual activity can lead to a decrease in the levels of the hormone oxytocin, which is associated with feelings of love and bonding. This can cause the couple to feel emotionally distant from each other, leading to problems in communication and intimacy.
Additionally, sexless marriages can also lead to infidelity. When one partner is not satisfied with the lack of sexual activity in the marriage, they may seek it outside of the marriage. This can cause serious trust issues and damage to the relationship. I would caution you to taking this step until you worked on yourself and start leading again in connection and intimacy within the relationship. I have seen men I have worked with, and others in the community turn around sexless marriages of 1 year to even those over 20 years.
There are a variety of reasons why a sexless marriage may occur. In some cases, it may be due to a lack of physical attraction or a mismatch in sexual desires. In other cases, it may be due to physical or mental health issues, such as erectile dysfunction or depression. Excessive porn usage can also be a problem.
Many believe that sexless marriages do not necessarily indicate an unhappy marriage or a lack of love. Personally, I disagree, a sexless marriage is often a symptom of far greater problems and it often rooted in dissatisfaction and a lack of emotional and physical intimacy, or other relationship issues all of which can negatively impact the relationship.
It is also important to seek help if you are in a sexless marriage, either by seeking therapy or counseling, or by seeking medical help for any underlying physical or mental health issues. This is why we tell me to do the work on themselves so that they can in fact turn it around. I have seen marriages that were teetering on the edge of the abyss get turned around when a man works on and starts leading himself, then she joins him.
If you are in this situation and are feeling lost email me at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org.
References:
"Sexless Marriage: What It Is and Why It Happens" (WebMD)
"The Impact of a Sexless Marriage on a Spouse" (Psychology Today)
"Why Sexless Marriages Happen and How to Deal With Them" (HuffPost)
"The Effects of a Sexless Marriage on Mental Health" (Healthline)
"How to Cope With a Sexless Marriage" (Verywell Mind)
Causes Behind Sexless Marriages
Previously I discussed how sexless marriages have been on the rise in recent decades, leaving couples feeling frustrated and unsatisfied with their relationships. Although it is difficult to accurately measure the rate of sexless marriages studies show a range from 15-25% rate of sexless couples.
So what is causing this trend? One factor could be that more people are getting married later in life, with both partners bringing pre-existing relationships and work commitments into their marriage. Long working hours, time spent with children, or simply a lack of desire can all lead to less time for physical intimacy. Other issues such as financial stress, depression, and anxiety can also decrease libido, leading to sexless marriages.
What are some of the leading causes of sexless marriage:
· Kids – Nothing kills intimacy more than small children
· Failure to nurture and grow connection and intimacy
· Men who stop dating their wives
Once you have children it changes the couple’s relationship dynamic. Their focus shifts from each other to the child. In addition, some moms make the mistake to prioritize being a parent over being a wife.
One of the primary reasons that having children contributes to a sexless marriage is the physical and emotional exhaustion that comes with parenthood. Raising children is demanding and time-consuming which often leaves little energy or desire for intimacy. Being sleep-deprived and stressed will negatively impact your libido.
Like anything else you need to be intentional. When there are small kids that means planning time away from them. Men you need to still plan a date night, this is where you grow intimacy and connection.
“I’m married I don’t need to date my wife.” I know many men, now divorced, who said this out loud. Yet these very men were often upset there was no intimacy in the relationship.
“It’s hard with small kids.” Yes, it is, but because something is hard it does not mean you don’t have to do it.
Men, it is your responsibility to run the romance department as Dr. Glover says. This means planning the date night, including getting a babysitter. It was on dates you got to know your wife, fell in love, and grew intimacy and connection. You cannot stop tending to this part of your relationship and expect it to just continue without issues.
Finally, certain cultural beliefs and stigmas surrounding sex may put off some couples from openly expressing themselves both sexually and emotionally within their marriage. Issues such as inadequate knowledge -sex education are nonexistent in the US and most of Europe. Religious beliefs and family also contribute to sexual shame, a lack of sexual activity, and the inability to even talk about sex.
So how can sexless marriages be fixed? Firstly couples must talk openly about their feelings without judgment so that any underlying issues can be addressed. Couples should take time out of their busy schedules for themselves; whether it’s weekly date nights or taking turns doing activities with children so that both parties get quality time together away from distractions.
While sexless marriages are becoming increasingly common they do not have to be, and in my mind should not be seen as normal-they are not. Men if intimacy has been dying off in your relationship YOU have to lead the change you want to see in your marriage.
We help men every week with improving themselves, and their communication and reignite their passion within their relationships. But this starts with each man making sure he is showing up as a grounded, confident, unapologetically masculine man in the relationship.
Stop worrying about her vibrator!!!!
Why bringing up her vibrator use can further problems with your sex life AND why her using it is A GOOD THING!
I was involved in 3 conversations with men regarding their wife’s vibrator use this week! THREE!!!! In a week.
Typically, I have this conversation about half a dozen times a year.
What most men don’t realize is that her use of the vibrator:
*Has absolutely nothing to do with you.
*It’s not cheating – yes, some men think this.
*The size of the vibrator or dildo is not a reflection of you or a sign of inadequacy.
*Is a good thing.
What most men do not realize is that masturbating with a vibrator is not at all like sex with the man you love.
For a woman to masturbate requires one thing, a door that locks and 5 minutes. None of the 95 reasons she does not feel up to having sex come into play. She can be exhausted and a quick orgasm from her vibrator may be just what she needs to go right off to sleep.
Men often feel threatened by a woman’s vibrator use because they assume it replaces their penis.
This is simply not true.
Some common misconceptions are:
*Vibrators ruin women for sex without them.
*If women need vibrators to have orgasms, there’s something wrong with them.
*Vibrators can be addictive.
*They will prevent her from being able to orgasm naturally.
*I’m too old to have vibrators.
None of the above is true.
Here are some facts about vibrators and women.
· 78% of women own vibrators.
· Approximately 81-85% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone.
· Married women are twice as likely to use a vibrator.
· Vibrators don’t just vibrate anymore.
· Vibrators are not just for alone time.
Hell, I have over a half dozen vibrators in my house, including the Hitachi Magic Wand, the greatest vibrator ever made!
It is very common for couples to incorporate vibrators and other toys into their play. It is a critical part of variety in the bedroom.
Over the last few years, I have regularly talked to men who spend way too much mental energy on their wife's vibrator usage. It doesn't serve you, and if you bring it up to your wife - it will create more distance and hurt, not help your intimacy issues.
Why her using a vibrator – even without you, is a good thing!
Yes, you read that right. Often when a woman checks out of a relationship mentally she shuts does this part of her, her sexuality. She goes fully into mom mode. She will be mom, roommate, and partner, but she shuts down the part of her that is the beautiful sexual being and lover she once was.
Remember we are all sexual creatures.
When this happens, commonly, she will even stop masturbating. The fact that she is still using her vibrator is a sign that this important part of her has not died off, or been shut down.
Look at her vibrator usage like the embers of a fire that is almost out. It can still be rekindled into a fire that burns red hot again.
Do you want to rebuild that fire?
The funny part is to rebuild this fire it does not start with her, it starts with you. Being a calm, grounded masculine man who leads in the relationship. A man who stops trying to get sex.
Becoming a man who focuses on intimacy and connection with the woman he loves. Fixing this is possible, but it begins with you.
The odds are you are a really good guy. But the odds are that you were never properly taught about sex, intimacy, and how to build and maintain loving passionate relationships. If you are like most men you have nobody else you can talk to about this.
If you would like to change this reach out at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org for a personal conversation. Plan on this taking an hour as this is about you leveling up and changing your mindset, not a quick fix tip. Trust me you will be glad you did.