Do You Understand The 4 Stages of Relationships?
The four stages of relationships are often referred to as the honeymoon stage, the power struggle stage, the stability stage, and the commitment stage. Each stage presents its own unique challenges and opportunities for growth.
The honeymoon stage is the initial phase of a relationship, characterized by feelings of excitement, passion, and infatuation. Couples in this stage may find themselves spending all of their time together, constantly thinking about each other, and experiencing intense emotional highs. However, this stage can also be filled with unrealistic expectations and a lack of understanding of each other's needs and boundaries. It is important for couples to take the time to get to know each other and establish open and honest communication during this stage to set a strong foundation for the relationship.
The power struggle stage is the next phase of a relationship, characterized by a shift in dynamics as couples begin to navigate the realities of their differences. Conflicts may arise as couples try to establish their roles and responsibilities in the relationship, and they may also begin to struggle with issues such as trust, intimacy, and control. It is important for couples to work through these challenges and to learn healthy ways to resolve conflicts. This can be done through effective communication, compromise and mutual respect. One thing that is critical to this is unconditional high regard for both yourself and your partner.
The stability stage is the third phase of a relationship, characterized by a sense of balance and stability. Couples in this stage have worked through many of the challenges of the earlier stages, and have developed a sense of trust and understanding. They may be more comfortable with each other and have a deeper understanding of each other's needs and boundaries. However, it is important for couples to continue to work on communication and intimacy to maintain the health of the relationship.
The commitment stage is the final phase of a relationship, characterized by a deep commitment to each other and a willingness to work through any challenges that may arise. Couples in this stage have a strong foundation of trust, understanding, and intimacy and are able to work through any conflicts that may arise. They are also able to support each other through the ups and downs of life and make decisions together that are in the best interests of the relationship. One thing that is critical to this is unconditional high regard for both yourself and your partner.
In conclusion, relationships go through different stages, each with their own unique challenges and opportunities. It is important for couples to be aware of these stages and to work through them in a healthy way. This can be done through effective communication, compromise, mutual respect, and a commitment to each other.
If you are in this situation and are in the power struggle stage and are tired of fighting feel free to email me at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org. I am also present daily in www.mentoring.men a vibrant online men’s community with over 20 group coaching sessions a month.
References:
-Gottman, John. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Harmony, 2002.
-Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Crown Publishers, 1999.
-Tatkin, Stan. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New Harbinger Publications, 2011.
"You don't need to come to the funeral."
This week Charlie McKeever and I had a deep discussion on brotherhood as he had some men go to his house in Austin Texas to help his wife out after an ice storm wrecked havoc on their home while we are in Puerto Vallarta.
It was a good reminder how important brotherhood is...... and how men will do what needs to be done for their brothers/friends/loved ones.
It then brought back memories of a dear friend of mine when his dad passed away.
"You don't have to come to the funeral."
That's what my best friend Mike said as we discussed his dad's decline an impending death. He was being polite the funeral was in St Louis 4 hours outside of Kansas City and he knows how crazy my schedule is.
I do remember my response I kind of laughed and said "you don't get to decide that."
Mike is that friend who was there with me through the divorces, the ups and downs of life, and was there for me with the death of my dad.
I was a little concerned whether I be able to make the funeral due to contractual obligations. My part time job as an entertainer is not something that I can always get coverage for on short notice.
Mike is the kind of friend if he called me at 2 in the morning it said I need you to come help me move a body I would ask where to meet him then I would get up get dressed put on some old sneakers I can throw away and go grab the bag of latex gloves I keep in the kitchen for when I'm handling jalapenos.
And yes I would help him move the body because he's that good of a friend.
Brotherhood is like that. We will do what needs to be done, even it is inconvienent. In our community, Mentoring.men we have a course in which we cover the four core masculine virtues, they are:
Brotherhood
Ownership
Self Reliance
Unconditional High Regard
If these virtures are foriegn to you we should set up a time to have a conversation, my contact info is below.
Fortunately for Mike's father the decline was quick at the end still Mike got to spend couple of days with his dad over the last two weekends making 4 hour each way trip. For those who have dealt with or lost a loved one to cancer like I have you understand that quicker is far better.
Mike's dad passed away on a Saturday, funeral was on Wednesday. He looked up surprized to see me and gave me a hug saying thank you for coming.
I have no shame in admitting that I was teary-eyed and crying through most of the service. It isn't all that long since my dad passed away.
Working with men I talk about becoming a great man. I talk about spending time with and having male friends.
I watched a great man's casket lowered into the ground that day.
What makes this more difficult is I have stayed at his parents house with him close to a dozen times. His parents are wonderful people and I've gotten to know them well over the years.
We stayed there on our trips to St. Louis and they always welcomed me into their house like I was their fourth son, that crazy Dennis the Mets fan.
When you have friends like Mike you do what you need to do can you drive to St Louis for a funeral because there are things far more important than work.
As Mike and his brother were talking about his dad they talked about one of the two things their father told them about raising children.
"Treat them like guests. If they spill milk help them clean it up and get them another glass."
We would never yell at a guest who spilled a drink in our house but how often have we yelled at our kids when they spill something?
That point hit me dead center. Made me think of the times I yelled at my kids and how it probably wasn't necessary in hindsight.
I thought that message needed to be shared with all of you men today.
That's why I do the work that I do because I am a much better man than I was two decades ago and want to help others on this journey.
Treat your kids like guests.
Take a few minutes to call your mom or dad. Make the extra trip to see them while you can.
If you are lacking brotherhood in your life, or want deeper connection with other quality men please come visit me and hundreds of other great men at Mentoring.men. We have over 20 group coaching sessions a month and a ton of opportunities for you to connect with the brotherhood. You can reach me directly at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org
The Unbreakable Bond: Why Suicide is Never the Answer When You Have Children
I am writing this article as daily I see men in a variety of men’s and dad’s groups online anonymously wondering if their children and families would not be better off if they committed suicide.
Suicide is a deeply complex and tragic issue that affects countless individuals around the world. It is a desperate act born out of unimaginable pain and hopelessness. However, when faced with the responsibility of raising children, the stakes are raised even higher. The impact of a parent's suicide on their children can be devastating and long-lasting. In this article, we will explore why suicide is never the answer when you have children, focusing on the profound love, resilience, and support that children offer, the consequences of suicide on their lives, and the alternative paths to healing that are available.
The bond between a parent and their child is one of the most profound and enduring relationships in existence. The love shared between a parent and child is unconditional, transcending all obstacles and challenges. Children have an innate ability to provide hope, joy, and purpose to their parents' lives, even during the darkest times. It is crucial to recognize the powerful impact a parent's presence has on their child's emotional well-being.
Children possess remarkable resilience, allowing them to adapt to and overcome difficult circumstances. While they may not fully comprehend the complexities of their parent's struggles, they can sense when something is wrong. However, children also have the capacity to grow, learn, and heal alongside their parents. By seeking support and working towards their own recovery, parents can serve as an inspiration to their children, teaching them valuable life lessons about perseverance and strength. This said the consequences for children when a parent commits suicide is significant.
The Consequences of Suicide on Children
The repercussions of a parent's suicide on their children can be far-reaching and devastating. Children who lose a parent to suicide often experience profound feelings of guilt, abandonment, and confusion. They may struggle with depression, anxiety, and even an increased risk of suicide themselves.
Keep in mind if you commit suicide, your children are now approximately 2x more likely to commit suicide themselves.
The loss of a parent in such a traumatic manner can impact their emotional, social, and cognitive development, potentially leading to long-term emotional scars.
Children who lose a parent to suicide are at a significantly higher risk of developing mental health issues themselves. The profound loss and trauma can trigger depression, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and even suicidal ideation. The absence of a parent can leave a void that is challenging to fill, leading to a sense of emptiness and a higher susceptibility to mental health struggles throughout their lives.
Brother if you are thinking your family would be better off with you gone YOU ARE WRONG. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. Yes, I am aware with child custody battles may last years, but in the course of a life that lasts between 75-85 years it is a temporary problem.
When faced with overwhelming despair, it is essential to remember that help is available. Seeking professional support, such as therapy or counseling, can provide a safe space to explore and address the underlying causes of distress. Engaging in therapy can also equip parents with effective coping mechanisms, improved communication skills, and a deeper understanding of their own emotions. Additionally, support groups and community organizations can provide invaluable guidance and a network of individuals who have experienced similar struggles.
One of the most crucial factors in overcoming adversity is building a strong support network. By surrounding themselves with compassionate and understanding individuals, parents can lean on their loved ones during challenging times. Friends, family members, and support groups can offer a listening ear, practical assistance, and a reminder of the value they bring to their children's lives.
This is why brotherhood is so important for men. You need to have 2-3 good close friends that you can reach out to with anything. Never hesitate to reach out or lean on them.
If you are struggling and contemplating suicide, please call 988, or 1-800-273-8255-the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Do not make a permanent decision that will impact your children in ways you could never imagine.
How to end it like a man!
Do you know how to end a relationship like a man? Are you terrified at the thought of ending the relationship?
Do you wonder what is the right way to end it? Is it okay to end it via text? It isn't easy, and yes the longer the relationship has lasted the harder it becomes to end it.
This podcast I have a guest Ellen who is a social worker specializing in mental health issues and we discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly when it come to ending a relationship.
Ending a relationship is never easy, but the only thing worse would be to stay in a relationship that is dysfunctional and no longer working. Below is the link to the podcast to give you a little guidance to ending a relationship the right way.
Mindset Matters!
A conversation with Dr. Charlie Cartwright on the importance of mindset and how it can impact your life.
What are you going to do for Valentine's day?
Valentine’s Day is a double edge sword if you are having challenges in your relationship. I mean you are supposed to make one day be the day you show her how much you love her. How do you do this is she has said she may not be in love with you anymore?
Last year I wrote the Valentine's Day Playbook to help navigate this tricky day when you are having struggles in your relationship. The reality is this day, and how you handle it can feel like tremendous PRESSURE to your wife.
Going big with a gift when she hasn’t been intimate in months and does not even kiss you is needy and in my humble opinion, kind of pathetic. Trust me I have had this verified by women I know. Do not go big.
But you are also in the tricky spot, you can’t do nothing.
So what do you do?
Get her a card instead. And that's it.
A card is about all you need to do in that situation. Something to say “I love you.”
I believe that your actions throughout the year should make her feel loved.
Now a card is nice assuming you can find the right one. I admit I look for a card that expresses what I feel. Often it feels like the writer’s word vomited all over the card.
I have had many a year that I have stood in the card aisle and found myself muttering to myself after 20 minutes as no card seemed right.
What have I done then?
Sometimes I found a blank card and wrote something from the heart.
Sometimes no card. Yes, birthday or Valentine’s day and I went with no card.
A few times I found a child's Valentine's card and used that, adding hearts.
Other times I just said that I could not find a card that was right.
You will find the card I bought for my girlfriend to the left, and I bought it at the dollar store!
Many of you are going through a tough time. So, is Valentine’s Day a blessing or a curse? The answer is yes.
What you do not want to create for your wife is PRESSURE.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.
Do not spend a bunch of money on anything hoping to make her happy. The reality is this will make you look pathetic.
Now if you want to do something for her what about something small, thoughtful, that would be appreciated? A book you know she wants. Some bubble bath and an evening to enjoy it while you take the kids out? Can you knock out a project you have been saying you would take care of for her and have not for months? Any of these are better than a big flashy display.
If you have small kids how about taking them out? If you have daughters, how about a daddy-daughter Valentine’s date night? Give your wife a few hours of quiet time.
I don’t make a huge deal out of Valentine’s Day and I NEVER do flowers on it. Buying flowers on Valentine’s Day, a birthday, or Mother’s Day is just a lazy way out of finding a special gift in my opinion. I give flowers for no reason, on a Thursday.
As for me on Valentine’s Day I will be making dinner for my girlfriend and I. We will be staying in. I do plan on making my special dark chocolate-covered strawberries for the end of the night. Why? Because it has been a long time since I have, so I think it will be a nice touch.
We will go out to dinner or maybe lunch on Saturday. What am I getting her as a gift? I have no idea yet, but I have narrowed it down to two or three things. I will figure it out. So will you.
You got this!
Who do you need to say "thank you" to?
In this week's Coffee & Conversation I discuss the power of a written thank you note. It is a lost art, but one that can be incredibly powerful.
I challenge you to watch the video, then think who you will write a thank you note to today.
Lingerie models talk men backstage!
Morning and welcome to this week's coffee and conversation where we reveal what lingerie models talk about backstage. Yes, I have the scoop. So I was part of a lingerie fashion show I was one of the stallions- a bunch of men, we all had to be in suits, to help with the actual work of putting on the fashion show and assist the ladies in attendance. My girlfriend was in the lingerie fashion show, she was the only nonprofessional model there, every other model had to be over 30. But they were all professional part time, or full-time models, most of them part time. Backstage they were talking about dating and all the challenges they're having with men. And ironically, only one model back there had a boyfriend and that was my girlfriend. So here we have women who are attractive, beautiful women who are confident enough to model lingerie, yet they can't find a decent man.
So what were their complaints?
· Failure to take initiative in asking them out and planning the evening
· Men’s inability to plan dates
· Men of character who could be a good example of how a man should be for their kids
· Chivalry-men who open a door for a woman
I had a man in my community ask are they really interested in finding a quality man, and from what I have been told the answer is yes.
Men this goes to what we teach in coaching, the man is responsible for running the romance department. This holds true if you are married or single. For the married men reading this, are you still dating your wife?
My wife's affair, my anger - lessons learned.
So, three weeks ago, I was cleaning out my basement, I came across this manila envelope that wasn't marked. It was the phone records that documented my wife's emotional affair 15+ years ago. Now back then I did not know what an emotional affair was, hell I didn’t even know about the walk away wife!
Now I laughed that I still had this, I thought I had thrown theme away. But there was a time when the divorce was happening. And for a few years after I held on to that, like it was gold, because it proved what she did to me and what she did wrong. And that was because I was in victim mindset. And I was angry. And what I didn't realize is the anger was holding me hostage.
Lessons Learned:
Anger was holding me hostage.
Your anger is not a laser beam but a grenade that hurts others around you.
Forgiveness is a gift for both you, and the one who did you wrong.
My anger though directed at my wife also caught my children in the blast zone. It's why I have a no relationship with my daughter now because as a 13 year old, she felt that rage, that anger. And she still sees and remembers me as that guy.
And this is why I'm talking about this guys, because a lot of you who are having relationship issues right now are struggling with anger and frustration towards your spouse. Forgetting and not realizing she's hurting too. And you were clueless to some of the pain you are causing.
I want you to let go of that anger. If you've got that kind of anger inside where you just can't take it anymore. realize you're not just hurting her with it, you're hurting yourself and your children.
So what I want you to do, gentlemen, if you're waking up at night, not sleeping, can't fall asleep. I want you to go to the Get in Touch button on the upper right on this page. Send me a note, fill out the form. Let's talk. I don't charge anything for that. I want to help you sleep well at night and get past the anger before you damage the relationship with any of your children.
Have a great day brother.
Dennis
Mountain lions don't panic......and neither should you!
Right now people are freaking out they are constantly checking the news, social media and reading every article they can find on the Coronavirus, Covid 19.
It's not productive.
How do I know? I did this after 9-11. I am from New York so the World Trade Center towers being attacked struck a nerve and I became a news junkie!
It took a while for me to realize this was not beneficial.
Now in the many years following I look to minimize my news intake --even now.
Why?
95% of the news and significant or has no impact on you.
Media sensationalizes everything making it far worse than it is.
Excessive fixation or worrying "about what might" happen is not productive. Now I'm not saying you bury your head in sand, educate yourself and take a deep breath you'll get through this.
Understanding what your actual risk is which currently is minimal, who besides your parents in your family might be a greater risk?
Being over 60 puts you at increased risk, so does having an underlying health condition to include heart issues, severe asthma, or anything tied to an autoimmune illness.
This also means if you don't have hand sanitizer so what-- do you have soap? Yes, you do, so you don't need hand sanitizer. Wash your hands with soap. Breathe brother, just breathe.
It's true many more die from the flu every year this is almost forgotten. But the Coronavirus is highly contagious and what makes this so problematic is that people are contagious before they show symptoms.
Do I think there is a lot of overreaction? Yes. There is no need to run out and buy all the toilet paper you can find. That is just fear-based behavior.
Is what is being done with shutting down large public gatherings and restaurants appropriate? Absolutely! The reality is the way this virus spreads it could overwhelm our healthcare system at which is would lead to a far higher mortality rate then should occur.
So while I don't wanna miss a concert, or a sporting event the cancellation of these events is not only logical it's crucial in containing the spread.
Without doing this we will ultimately have a spike of cases, which will overwhelm our health care system capacity. So what can we do?
Government recommendations are:
Avoiding crowds. As of yesterday, the White House recommended no groups of 10 people or more.
Wash your hands with soap and water often and for at least 20 seconds.
Maintain a distance of 6 ft from others.
Cover coughs and sneezes with a tissue or use inside of your elbow (throw tissues in trash).
Clean and disinfect frequently touched surfaces daily.
Click here for more detailed information about protecting yourself: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prepare/prevention.html
Some of you reading this may have a spouse who is stressed out or completely freaking out and overreacting to the situation.
This is where your calmness is more important than ever.
It doesn't matter that much of her stress and fear is not rational, it also doesn't mean that it isn't real to her.
So what can you do to help her?
Stay calm, you need to be her rock.
Don't let the monkey chatter in your head get out of control.
Minimize the consumption of news/media on the Coronavirus.
Ask her what would help her to feel more relaxed. Address it if you can.
Roll with the changes/challenges adapt, adjust, and overcome.
Carry on, you still meeting take care of business- at home and at/with work.
Breathe - - start now and begin each day with 5 deep breaths and a positive outlook.
Be a problem solver both at home and at work, not a doomsday prophet.
Think about how you can get more work done, or generate revenue and other ways if you were a gig worker or self-employed - even from home.
The issue is real, it is significant. We've been fortunate that there has been this kind of problem in the US and many parts of the world for an incredibly long time.
Mountain lions don't panic. Generals at war, the successful ones, don't panic they devise a plan to make adjustments as necessary and they execute the plan.
The way you behave and your attitude at home along with how you react will help set the tone for your family and keep everyone calm until this gets under control.
You got this!
The Riverbanks Podcast!
Matt Epsky joins me to discuss the role in the masculine to provide structure and guidance for the feminine.
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Or should you? No reason to feel shame if you made a mistake. Acknowledge it, apologize if necessary and move forward.
Making a mistake does not make you bad..........it makes you human.
If you did make a mistake, own it, learn from it so you don't repeat it. If you do this, you should feel pride, not shame.
Does your bedroom need reviving?
Coming June 30th.....The Bedroom Revival.
Which bedroom do you have? What do you want your bedroom to look like? Is it boring, on life support? Would you like to bring back some life to it? What if YOU are a big part of the problem, and it is actually something you can fix?
Have you forgotten how to create desire, intimacy and have fun? If you have, your wife is just following your lead.
Starting June 30th, a small group coaching program to revive your bedroom!!!! This program is designed to help you turn the boring bedroom into the picture on the right, a bedroom with passion, intimacy and lots of hot mutually satisfying sex! IM me or email me at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org for details.
Yesterday would have been my anniversary
I wanna do take a moment and share something with you guys as many of you struggle with when will you stop hurting, when will you stop missing your wife or ex-wife.
Yesterday would have been my 10th wedding anniversary.
A man posted about having a bad day missing his wife and I'm here to tell you what you already know, there's nothing wrong with that.
In the middle of a coaching call yesterday I came to the realization it would a been my 10th anniversary during that call. It did not make me sad. If I am honest I didn't feel anything, we have been divorced for a little over 2 years. Before that I spent 2 to 3 years I was trying to save the marriage but it wasn't savable because the person that I was married to was gone.
The only thought that popped into my head was to shoot my stepdaughter and note to make sure she touched base with her mom in case she was struggling yesterday in any way shape or form.
Now it was not like this with my first marriage, where I was kicked to the curb. With that one, I carried anger for a long time and that anniversary for several years used to bum me out.
Once I started working on myself, focusing on self-improvement, addressing the anger issue, the anniversary stopped bumming me out. Not too many years ago I thought of sending my first wife a thank you card on the anniversary but I knew that it would not be received in the way I meant it to be, a genuine thank you.
Without the pain I would not have had the growth. With the darkness and journey out from it I would have never been on the path I found myself on and would not have found Steve, Dan, and my amazing brotherhood of coaches and all you wonderful men. Even before then I knew I wanted to thank her because what hurt so badly at the time was needed to be where I am today.
So if you are reading this and missing your wife, or ex-wife it is okay. This will pass, and who knows maybe even you will want to send her a thank-you note.
Suicide Is Painless
For some of you who remember M*A*S*H* and know trivia also know that the theme song is "Suicide Is Painless" by Johnny Mandel. I did know the name of the song, I am a trivia guy. But I couldn't have told you who wrote it or performed it.
Fellow coach Neal Greenspan recently posted how suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45. Around the globe, approximately 800,000 people die by suicide each year which is roughly one death every 40 seconds.
One person every 40 seconds!
Suicide is 4 times higher among males.
Contrary to the title of the song suicide is not painless except for the person taking their life if they do it effectively. If they are effective they will feel no pain and will quickly and quietly pass on.
But suicide is incredibly painful for all of the people you leave behind. Loved ones, especially children wondering why you left them. This is the kind of pain and suffering that can impact them for their entire life. Do you want to do that to your children?
Suicide is never the answer. (Unless you're a pedophile…enough said.)
Suicide impacts others in ways you won't even imagine. I'd like to say I've been immune to this but someone who worked for me in the National Guard killed themselves back in 1989 Sean R.
I was a sergeant and I honestly can't tell you anyone else's names from back then. But I can tell you Sean's full name and I can recount the last conversation I had with him when I ripped him a new asshole for something.
You read that right. I tore him a new asshole for something he did at drill that weekend and that following Wednesday he took a 30-06 rifle and blew his brains out.
He wasn't related to me but he was one of my soldiers and to say this caused me a lot of emotional pain would be an understatement. I was responsible for my soldiers.
I was incredibly fortunate that my sergeant was the detective investigating the suicide. Turns out Sean was depressed and depression impacts 20% to 25% of Americans 18 years old and up.
We did not know he was depressed and was on anti-depressants. He should not have had a gun in the house. Nobody knew. His roommates also said that the thing I chewed his ass about didn't bother him. It was the thing I told him not to worry about, which was failing his PT test. This caused him to have a really bad week and ultimately take his life.
I was grateful to find out that my last conversation of tearing him a new asshole wasn't what pushed him over the edge. Ironically, the thing that I told him wasn’t a big deal is what sent him down the dark hole.
If you're reading this and you're thinking about suicide you must talk to somebody. Reach out if you're part of our men's community and take it to the men. Do not listen to the voices in your head trying to convince you suicide is the easy and painless solution.
It is not.
No matter how bad it may seem it will get better and you are loved by people you may not even be thinking of. You matter and your life matters. Hard times pass.
You cannot make steel without applying a lot of heat…approximately 2500 degrees. The difficulties you are going through right now are the heat to help transform you into a stronger better man.
With the right help and one simple shift in your thoughts you will emerge from the darkness clearer and better than before.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 and can be called any time 24 hours a day.
Road Rage
The horn blared for about 3 seconds then I heard screaming as I turned to look. A young man in his late 20's was laying on the horn and had turned and was screaming at the young lady in the car in the lane to the right of him. At first, I couldn't figure out what was going on and I heard him say stay in one lane as he raged on and on. I took some comfort in the fact that I had never ever raged like that no matter how bad the other driver was. I don't lay on the horn like that, it's just a beep to get them to pay attention. He then went around her and raced down the street but unfortunately block and a half ahead of them was a light which of course turned red. I saw the girl's face as they drove by and she was obviously scared. Then because she was young she made the next big mistake -- pulling up directly behind him at the light. It was more instinct than anything I started walking down the block towards the intersection already concerned he was going to get out of the car do something really stupid. Truthfully I really didn't have time or the desire to get involved with some idiot but I'm not going to allow an idiot to terrorize a woman over a driving issue. Fortunately, he did not get out of the car but he continued to yell out the driver's window cementing in my mind that he was, in fact, an angry idiot. I have a confession to make. I used to be an angry man. I carried quite a bit of anger after my divorce14 years ago I'm no longer an angry man in fact what used to make me angry now elicits a laugh. As I'm writing this article I can tell you the last time I flip somebody off in a car in August 1993. Yes 26 years ago. I had the family in the car including my 8-month-old son. On 75 highway traveling North up from Oklahoma, a two-lane highway I went to pass an old F-150 and the asshole sped up. I had to try again and really get on it to pass and as I got back over in my lane I flipped the asshole the middle finger. I never gave it a second thought as he was in my rearview more than a half-mile back as I slowed down rolling into the next little town. Then as I approached downtown I saw the railroad crossing arms coming down. A flash of panic hit me as I knew he would be pulling up......right........behind.....me. I quickly realized I was almost trapped, there was one road that turned right before the train tracks. I left more than a car length between me and the car in front of me. My sunglasses hid the fact that I was fixated on the mirrors waiting for the guy I flipped off to get out of his truck. I was keenly aware my anger had put my family at risk. I cannot lie, I was relieved when I saw the end of the train go by knowing the arms were going to go back up, allowing me to not be sitting in front of the guy I just flipped off. Now you know why I can tell you the month and year I learned not to let my anger put me, and my family at risk.
The holiday season has begun! Remember no hitting your wife!
Soon will we be flooded with stories about increased incidents of domestic violence during the holiday season. I heard the first one this past weekend.
As this popped into my mind, I did do a little research and have found there are conflicting studies as to whether this is true.
What I do know is real is we create in our minds a whole lot more stress on ourselves during the holiday season. We think we have to have the perfect Thanksgiving and Christmas and Hanukkah. We do not need perfect. We need family, we need fun.
If you are going through or have recently gone through a divorce this year the first holidays after it can be very difficult. This is because we:
Focus on what was lost
Our routine has been changed
We let negativity cloud our thinking
We may be alone during the holidays
I have friends that will complain more about family and all of the running around, the obligations and expectations.
There is also, of course, the financial cost of these holidays. While too late for this year I will give you a tip for next year. Start putting money aside in January or at some point earlier in the year so you can pay cash and enjoy it.
Yeah, I'm a Dave Ramsey guy, I pay cash for things. Is the monthly budget tight? You get an extra paycheck two months a year, you could harvest some of that extra money to pay for the holidays.
But back to the extra stress caused by the holidays. This will be a little disappointing to you but almost all of the stress is self-inflicted in made up by yourself.
Are you trying to do too much to please everyone else?
You're worried about pleasing everybody instead of focusing on what's best for you and your family. Maybe you need to have that hard discussion with family this year we're going to do this and next year we're going to do that.
You could almost use the technique of is it doesn't bring us joy we're not going to do it. There is always one family that's more fun to go visit or one family that is extremely expensive to go visit or not quite close enough to drive and it's an expensive flight. You have to figure out what's best for your family.
Some people worry so much about upsetting their parents and disappointing them they make themselves miserable. Remember we should be enjoying the holidays, with or without our family.
The biggest take away from this is that I want to you sit back and think do you have any friends who have gone through a divorce or death of a loved one this year, or co-workers you know will be alone on Thanksgiving or Christmas?
If you are the one who suffered the loss, focus on the positive, create new routines. Maybe you have to do your Thanksgiving on Saturday because the ex has the kids on Thursday, so what.
Talk to them and invite them to join you and your family for the holiday meal. One more mouth to feed at the holiday meal is not hard to accommodate. You have no idea how big this could be for them.
If you are reading this, I know you are not the kind of man who would hit his wife, not during the holiday, not ever. Remember to minimize stress, minimize alcohol, forget perfection, have fun and no beating anyone up either physically or mentally, including yourself.