How to Not Lose Your Sh*t When You Get a Text From Your Snarky Daughter!
I received a text from my daughter the other night. I know that sounds pretty routine except this is the first text she sent me in 7 years.
It wasn't a very nice text.
It came from a young woman with whom I would sing the Montgomery Gentry song "Gone" which now brings a tear to my eye and a flood of emotions when I hear it. We used to sing the chorus:
Gone like a freight train,
Gone like yesterday,
Gone like a soldier in the Civil War
Bang Bang!
We would always shoot a finger gun at the Bang Bang part.
"Wish I had a dad who was a good man."
Needless to say that stung. If I wasn’t sitting down I’d be on the floor.
I’m not sure if it was the actual words or the fact she actually texted.
By her choice, she decided to not be in my life about 10 years ago after my divorce from her mother.
This is one reason I’m doing what I do today because I’ve always wanted to deal better with my own anger when I respond to conflicts with my ex. My anger was also the root of the problem between my daughter and me.
There I was…reading her words at 10 pm sitting at my desk. I’m calm and centered normally, but my heart raced. I felt anxious.
Instead of over thinking it I decided I was just going to respond from the heart. So I did.
Actually you do. If you spend some time with me you'd see how much I have grown and changed.
You would even find I'm now a men's coach helping other men through the minefields of divorce.
Regardless of what you may think I love you and always will and my door is always open to
you.
I always try to follow these 3 principles when I respond to my daughter.
· Never respond with anger in my head or heart
· Don’t try to defend myself
· Let her know how much I love her
Looking back now at my response I wish I would have apologized for making her feel that way.
My daughter is 23 now but her memory of me when she was 13 is of an angry dad.
It doesn't really matter who did what, when or why with the divorce. The reality is I failed to work on myself, deal with the anger and become a better man.
For those who have asked me how I got into coaching I will talk about my divorce. But I resist talking about my failed relationship with my daughter. It's one of those painful things I keep tucked away deep down inside and don't let out very often. I sure as f*ck don’t share this with many people.
I’m sharing it now because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes. There is a cost to anger. We need to learn how to move past our anger.
So if you're reading this and you're staying angry at your wife, holding on to the anger because of the unfairness of it all, or because your hopes and dreams have been shattered I am here to tell you let it go.
That anger will damage the relationship you have with your children. It will make you an unattractive co-worker. It will quickly get you labeled as “having lots of baggage” by good women as they can feel that anger in you.
In short holding onto that anger will cost you far more than the divorce does.
If you are feeling a little queasy now I have been in your shoes.
I have felt this pain. It was unfair, blah blah blah. I did not work on myself. I held onto the anger for a number of years and it cost me something money can’t replace…the relationship with my amazing daughter.
What lies ahead? I have no clue. All I know is that the door has been opened a crack. I know she was in the frame of a scared 13-year-old girl when that text was sent.
Fortunately, I’m not that angry man anymore or I may have slammed that door shut possibly for good.
This is what I want you to know about the importance of losing your anger and responding like a better man:
Anger is a crutch and blinds you to the consequences
Anger prevents you from creating a connection with others
Anger comes from feeling like a failure as a husband and father…and a man
Anger comes from feeling insecure about your own masculine value
Anger comes from the fear of being alone
This is how I’ve learned to overcome this anger:
I stopped blaming others for the situation and took responsibility for my attitude and what I helped to create
Divorce didn’t make me a failure but how I responded to it could have
I’m not a defective or broken man and anger didn’t serve me well
Only when I invested time and vulnerability with other men did I learn how to start growing instead of just being angry
I get to write the story of my life moving forward
If you are a man who wants to overcome your anger and become a great man, I would love to talk with you. I want to help you become the kind of man who leaves a legacy for his kids.
That man has no place for anger in his life.
What I learned from meeting Kobe Bryant.
Back in 2006, I was San Antonio staying on the Riverwalk when I saw Kobe Bryant on the outside patio at Dick's Last Resort restaurant.
To be clear I was was a die-hard Celtics fan growing up not a fan of the Lakers. This was also after his sexual assault allegations as well.
However, my son liked Kobe. Kobe was at a table with somebody and a critical point for me is that he was not eating lunch yet there was no food on the table. So I decided to get an autograph for my son I quickly went inside to get paper and pen and one waiter said “leave him alone he’s eating” the other waiter getting me a piece of paper and pen said can you do me a favor I asked his name and told him that I would take care of him. I looked at the other waiter and said “he’s not eating at that's why I'm in a hurry”.
I went up said excuse me Mr. Bryant could I get a couple of autographs for my sons? He said sure what are their names and addressed the autographs to both boys. He was gracious I thanked him and as I was heading back into the restaurant a server came out with their lunch. I gave the autograph back to the waiter who got me the pens and paper as I knew he wasn't allowed to ask for autographs, and he thanked me as I thanked him.
That was it nothing else that day. Fast forward the other day and I saw a post saying RIP Kobe and thought that was odd, his career is long dead as he’s retired. I saw another and then another and I went and checked espn.com and saw that there was a breaking news story of the crash of the helicopter and his death.
Wow, I thought he was too young to die.
Are you ready if you were to die today?
If you had 10 minutes' notice before you were to die would you have broken relationships, you desperately wish you had repaired?
Do you have friends or relatives you wish you had not let a year or two go by without talking to them?
Do you have people you feel you wish you'd have told them just how much they mean to you and that you love them?
Practical stuff too, do you have a will if you do has it been updated recently?
Everyone needs a will because you are going to die.
This also begs the question do you have life insurance if you have people who rely on you and your income for support or kids you need life insurance.
If you have a stay-at-home mom for a wife, you need life insurance on her as well. How much life insurance for you? 10 times your annual income as a rule of thumb recommended by Dave Ramsey. We are talking good term life insurance not universal or whole life. A good 20- or 30-year policy is relatively inexpensive when you're young and if you don't have any preexisting health conditions.
I know some of you are divorced or possibly getting divorced and don't want to leave money to young children or an ex. Trust me I understand that! You can set up the life insurance to fund a trust for your children that is created upon your death and for very little expense you could have that set up so they are taking care of.
So what did I learn anything that day when I first met Kobe in San Antonio? No not a damn thing.
But his death at 41 reinforced some important things that we all need to do:
Spiritual fitness- are you prepared to meet your maker?
Will all those that matter in your life know how much you love them and what they mean to you?
Are your personal affairs in order? Will in place updated and life insurance as well?
Remember things don't matter people and your relationships with them do.
If you are not comfortable with answering the three questions above, or your answers give you an uneasy feeling in your stomach here is what you need to do:
Put aside what happened or why you have not reached out and called that friend or relative you love but have not talked to in forever. Call them. Do it right now. If you get voicemail, leave a heartfelt message.
Reach out online or to and attorney to get the will taken care of, it is inexpensive to do.
Get some life insurance quotes.
If you need help or some guidance, I would love to talk with you. Be the kind of man who leaves a legacy of love, not regret.
I forgot my phone!
My girlfriend and I left early Saturday morning to go play in a golf tournament.
We had about an hour and twenty minute drive to get there. We haven't played golf in a while so I was looking forward to it.
Ten minutes from the house as we're waiting to turn on the highway I realized and said out loud "I forgot my phone."
She asked do you want me to turn around and go get it? I thought about it and said nah. I mean she was who I intended to spend the day with and I really didn't care as my kids are older so there were no need to have to be able to get a hold of me. I had such an amazing day and didn't even care that I didn't have my phone.
I watched as people checked text messages and all sorts of other stuff that didn't need to be done instead of enjoying the gorgeous day and playing golf.
Afterwards at the after-party I noticed the same. Instead of being fully present with the friends, some of which they hadn't seen in years, people were checking their phones periodically.
Are you more preoccupied with your phone then with the people you're spending time with?
And by that I mean your wife, girlfriend, children, and friends.
We have become a society that has become addicted to our phones.
I know of one gal who was invited by friends of mine down to their lake house for a wonderfully relaxing weekend.
When she got there she did not have cell signal, which is awesome when you are at the lake. She could not handle that and did not stay the weekend. Three hours after arriving she went home.
Personally Ithink that's pathetic.
If you're having a conversation with someone and every time your phone beeps or dings you stop to check it what is that telling the person you're talking to about your priorities?
The phones and their apps are designed to be addictive.
We hear the same complaint from men and women alike, their significant other spends hours on their phone instead of engaged with the family.
Could you leave your phone at home for the day and not care?
Most people can't, literally they get anxious.
Now I'm not saying I wouldn't have gone back and gotten my phone if it was a work day. Depending on what I'm doing I need my phone as I run three businesses from my cell phone. Some of my work is such that I rely on the GPS.
Cell phones can be a wonderful tool. Unfortunately many people have become slaves to their phones and the beeps and dings of their notifications.
I am posting this article from my phone when I'm spending a week hiking in Iceland. All of my alerts have been turned off period.
I have turned off almost all of the notifications and alerts except for some work-related emails and a few other items that I haven't turned off since getting a new phone.
Newsflash, texts are rarely urgent or an emergency. I hate to burst your bubble but very few things that are texted are urgent and few require immediate attention. In a true emergency people will call.
Significant or emotional discussions should never be conducted via text.
Tone, attitude, and meanings are often misunderstood with texts. Sarcasm gets lost too!
Texts are great for letting a significant other know to pick up a gallon of milk, scheduling issues like: Can you pick up Maddie at 5:30 on your way home from work?
Want to be a better man and improve your relationship with your kids, wife, significant other, and coworkers? Put down the phone and be fully present with them when you're with them.
Man this could really piss you off!
I was up early, 5:30 am, and driving to a client site to put on some training at 7:00 a.m. Monday morning. Hadn't even turn my phone on as I've worked actively not to be so connected to it. I had my coffee was enjoying the morning as I was driving 40 minutes to my client site.
I got caught at a light and turned on my phone to send my girlfriend and note when I got stuck at one of the other lights before I hit the highway.
My phone started to beep, ring, and vibrate far more than usual. I had a voicemail, and email and a text from my contact stating they were having some technical issues and needed to cancel today's training.
I can tell you with absolute certainty in my twenties or thirties I would have been raging in my car about how the hell could this have happened as this has been scheduled for six weeks! Truthfully, I might have even been screaming.
I would have been angry without a doubt. However as I read the text I chuckled and thought well that sucks, I need make some adjustments. I pulled a U-turn and went back to get some work done at my home office before going out to continue with the rest of my day.
I looked at the change of plans is a blessing as it freed up some time for me to get some other paperwork done before the rest of my day instead of doing it in the evening.
Also made me think late 20’s and my 30’s I would have been extremely angry over this because that's the way I was before taking this path of becoming a better man.
When you are the rock, calm, centered, and confident you adjust on the fly and do not let something like this anger you.
Only when thinking of this did I realize I really don’t get angry anymore. A month or so back we had plans to meet friends at this great restaurant before a concert. We were there first and it was closed so they could attend a private event. What? Fifteen years earlier I would have been pissed in spite of the six or maybe ten restaurants in a half of mile from where I was standing.
I thought what would everyone like? Remembered a fantastic Italian/pizza place two blocks away and told my girlfriend follow me. Once we arrived, we texted our friends about the change of plans and had a glass of wine while we waited for them to show up.
Not even upset in spite of the fact that I loved the other restaurant, had not been there in quite a while and had my meal picked out. The four of us had a fabulous dinner then went on to the concert.
This is how you roll when you are a confident, calm, man who knows his values and understands there are very few things truly worth getting upset over. Least of which is the rescheduling of a training session.
Is Bon Jovi a better men's coach than Steve Horsmon?
“Shot through the heart”
“And you're to blame”
“You give love a bad name”
I cannot tell a lie when this Bon Jovi song came on, I cranked it up and sang along, loudly.
Today after rocking along it made me think, did she give love a bad name? Was Bon Jovi a secret men’s coach warning us? Should Steve Horsmon start to worry?
For some women the answer that question is an absolute yes they do give love a bad name.
However, for most of us we both bear responsibility in getting to the point where there's disconnection in the relationship when one partner tells the other “I love you but I'm not in LOVE with you” or “I want a divorce.”
Needless to say this thinking didn't help endear me to a song that I happen to love. The reality is as men we haven't been taught how to be great man, a great husband, and a great father. So what do you do then.
Steve Horsmon knows that “excessive focus on saving your marriage coubd be the cause of our divorce” It can often lead to desperate, clinging, hummingbird behavior and can drive your wife further away.
Often, our dads were struggling with the same issues we struggle with. It’s hard to be good and something if you have never been taught what to do.
“An angel's smile is what you sell”
“You promise me heaven, then put me through hell” -Shit tests!
“Chains of love got a hold on me” -I have tied my whole worth to you and my identity as husband
“When passion's a prison, you can't break free” -It can be when you have lost yourself.
But if you have lost yourself then you can also find yourself. Hummingbirds can become confident, calm, masculine men, but it takes work.
“Whoa, you're a loaded gun”
“Whoa, there's nowhere to run”
“No one can save me"
“The damage is done”
I have great news though. The damage can be undone. If you are reading this, I am here to tell you who YOUR savior is. It is the same man, who feels adrift, lost, and the one you see in your mirror each morning. YOU can save yourself.
Can you save your marriage? I don’t know the answer to that question. I do know that the men who do the work, realize they played a role and need to improve themselves end up breaking free of the prison they feel they have been put in by their wife or girlfriend. I can personally tell you that life on the other side is amazing.
While Bon Jovi has better hair, I do think once we analyze everything we would find that Steve Horsmon is the better men’s coach.
And because it is an awesome song……..the link to the YouTube video is below.
I am going to call myself out before Jeff does!
Recently one of my fellow coaches Jeff Allen called me out for playing small. I would love to deny it and say how he was wrong but he was spot on.
In a recent article titled "How I Handled My Latest Shit Test" I played it safe. I was discussing how I handled it and he said he felt like I did not make it as good as it could have been, and pulled some punches. Had I included my internal dialogue in my head he felt it could have been a much better article. He was right on all counts. Truth is I did play it safe because I didn't know if my girlfriend reads my articles.
Now I'm sure she doesn't or I would have heard something about that article I have no doubt.
I'm here to confess as coaches we still have the same challenges all of you have in our relationships it's just that were some of you go into a funk for days we realize our behavior sometimes in minutes and snap out of it quicker. We are in no way perfect, maybe just more aware.
I also have another confession to make I played small again last night in a conversation with my girlfriend over dinner. She asked how coaching was going and I admit I was bragging a little bit about one man I am coaching who is just kicking ass. Life for him is great! He is making great progress and I was discussing the importance of doing things with other men and your buddies and making sure that you make time with your male friends a priority when she said that you can't do that when you have young kids. I pointed out that yes you can.
Then she said: "that's not normal, especially when you have young kids."
That's not normal! That means what is normal is:
Not being true to yourself.
Isolating yourself from your friends.
A 50 plus percent divorce rate.
Being buried in debt.
And often being miserable.
Who reading this wants normal?
I sure don't. Trust me normal sucks.
She was wrong but I let the conversation die as I took another bite of my enchilada.
It did help me understand the issue she has with my solo trips, she doesn't think it's normal. Now in my defense, anybody who knows me well does not use the word normal to describe me!
Did I play small? Maybe I did as in about 3 weeks my girlfriend and I with two other couples are going to Ireland for 11 days. We have an amazing trip planned and I don't want to rock the boat before we go.
Should I have entered into a debate as I disagreed with her? Maybe, but I also know that she is not going to change her mind so what would be the point. On this, we will not agree, so I can leave it alone, or disagree with her with no real potential positive outcome.
Maybe that is playing small, maybe that is being wise, either way, I know what results we see when men make time to spend with their male friends. They become better men, fathers, and husbands. Trust me none of them are going to go back to being normal!
They drove by, saw me but missed the turn…….
I was taking inspection pictures of the outside of a business in a horrible part of town. To make it worse my car was in the shop so I was in my daughters shiny blue Mini Cooper S!
The car obviously did not belong in the neighborhood and in fact stood out in a way that I did not like. It was the car I had to use that day.
It was winter, had my heavy coat on with my conceal carry weapon in one of the outer pockets. When working I had started to carry routinely.
My daughter asked why I carry, I explained that I have in the last year done 8 inspections where there had been a shooting or murder within 2 blocks of where I was working within the previous week and on two occasions within 24-48 hours of my visit.
Back to my “incident”. The low rider Suburban was rolling down the block at a good clip when the driver looked over and saw me, I was looking that way because I heard the vehicle. He stared at me for a second whipped his head to the right said something to his buddy as he took his foot off the gas. He tried to slow down but fortunately he missed the only turn into the parking area as he and his friend stared in my direction.
Then he sped up and hung a left about a block away. My spidey sense was tingling! It was pretty obvious they were going to come back around and make sure I was not lost and see if I needed any help. I unzipped the pocket I kept my gun in, took the safety off, sprinted to get my final picture and sprinted back to the car.
I knew they had two busy intersections with traffic lights to navigate. Zipped to the parking lot exit, wanted to go right-but that would be the direction they would be coming from, so I turn left and let the turbo do it’s thing! As I crested the hill where they had turned left to circle around, I looked and saw them turning onto the street in my rear view mirror. 30 seconds and two turns later I was getting on the highway. Success! No issues never drew my weapon.
Situational awareness. It’s the difference between a man who is prepared and can act and someone who makes themselves a victim. It is being aware of your surroundings and taking note when something seems out of place. It also means listening to your gut and crossing the street with your girlfriend because of the guy or two you see a block or two down heading your way.
Do you notice where the exits are when you go into a public venue?
Do you notice the obnoxious drunk and automatically give a wide berth so as not to deal with his ignorance? Can you tell when two people are arguing when one gets ready to throw a punch?
Do you notice the drunk guy getting into the woman’s “space” and how uncomfortable she looks? Do you figure out how to help her?
Provide and protect these are some of the responsibilities that come with being a man.
Edmond Burke said, “all that is necessary for the triumph of evils is that good men do nothing.” We have an obligation to stop harassment and violence not only against women and children but other men too.
Situational awareness is why some people survive horrible murderous or violent events. The body has three responses, fight, flight, or freeze. Those that freeze are added to the body count. Those that are situationally aware and have good quick decision-making skills –knowing if they should fight or flee- are more likely to survive in many situations.
Pay attention and don’t keep your head down looking into your phone. Be aware of what is going on around you. Use your phone to call 911. Intervene if needed, remember that woman being harassed by the drunk is someone’s daughter.
How I handled my latest shit test!
She didn't like the way I answered the question to her friends as she is uncomfortable and insecure about my solo hiking trips.
The question was innocent enough, "are you a hiker or a camper?"
My response was "I am a hiker, I take a solo hiking trip once a year, but since meeting my girlfriend I have started enjoying camping as well."
Her friend started in with why don't I invite my girlfriend, I laughed and said I guess you do not understand the definition of solo i.e. alone. At that moment the good mood of my girlfriend went South.
I began these solo hiking trips before I met her and I wasn't going to discontinue them any time soon. They are my chance to re-evaluate the year that has gone by and look at the year ahead. This is my time with nature my thoughts, and God. I watch no television and spend four sometimes as much as 6 hours a day without seeing another human as I hike.
The hour-long trip home was almost total silence except for the one time she decided to tell me why she was so upset. I listened, empathized, and did not defend, explain, or justify. The good thing was there was some great music on the radio.
She was pissy the next day so I kept communication short and sweet. She even did something to cause herself more work, stating an issue I was going to help her with that she no longer needed me to do it even though she was working all day I would not have time to do it.
I had to work that night so I left it at that. The good morning text I sent was short and sweet, based on her response I still sensed she had some attitude. It was Sunday but she had to go in and work. Then I decided it was time to be me.😈😈😈
This was my next text:
If you wanna come by for some hot sweaty sex later on today feel free😈👅😘🐙
She just texted me she's done with work on her way to my house.
What I have not done since is apologize. I answered a question that was asked. Her issues or insecurities related to it are her's to deal with not mine. I will take my solo hiking trip every year. I will go on men's retreats, I will have trips I do with other men in addition to the trips we take together.
I can't believe you just did that!
How often have you heard someone say that or have you said it to yourself? I have over the years heard "I can't believe you just said that!" Those who know me are not shocked that my nickname was "no filter" and I will say what everyone is thinking but will not speak.
Back to the first statement, I can't believe you just did that! How often do we say this to ourselves, as we mentally beat ourselves up over a mistake? The world's harshest critic of you is often the person you look at in the mirror in the morning.
I hate to break this to you but you are not perfect. You are going to screw up, you are going to fuck up at times. We all make mistakes, we all have blown it in a big way. That is part of the human experience, what matters is how you deal with it.
Do you:
Deny and blame others and accept no responsibility.
Own your mistake, evaluate it, work to improve yourself so you handle the situation better the next time.
Screwing up does not make you a failure. What we often overlook when we look at successful people in any area is that they have failed over and over again. Those that are truly successful learn from their failures by evaluating what they did wrong, what can they do better and they give it another go. Most overnight successes have been busting their asses for more than a decade.
Do you want to be a great man who leaves a legacy? That man embraces his failure, learns from it and improves and moves forward. The guy who blames others or the world and takes no responsibility will not grow or achieve. Ironically some years ago I fired someone because he accepted no responsibility when he screwed up, even though they were a foreman.
How do you feel and how do you talk to yourself when you fail? Do you feel shame?
Brene Brown talks about the difference between guilt and shame, She breaks it down like this. Guilt is I did something bad. Shame is I am bad. You are not bad. You are not a loser. You made a mistake. You are human, you are whole as is.
My challenge for you is to take ownership of your successes and your failures. You do not have to "change" yourself, you need to grow and evolve.
Taking from something else Brene Brown talks about when you have screwed up and feeling shame. Will what you did matter in 3 days, 3 months, or 3 years from now?
You are going to fuck up at work, in life, in your relationships. Most of the time it will not matter 3 days, 3 months or 3 years from now. What matters is how you respond after you screw up. Take accountability, take ownership, stop beating yourself up and move forward, move on. You are going to be okay. You are okay.
My son just got on a plane to Colombia South America and it's my fault!
We were eating dinner and talking about my solo hiking trip to Iceland when my son said that he thought it was pretty cool that I went by myself and that I inspired him.
I didn't say anything, but I thought it was odd as this is the third year I've done my solo hiking trip. It was the first time I went out of the country. It's time for me my thoughts nature and God. He explained his frustration of being unable to get any of his buddies to get time off to go on a trip.
He said I inspired him, so he booked a trip last week to Colombia South America.
Instantly the thoughts of Crockett and Tubbs and how dangerous Colombia was from the 80s popped into my head.
I thought but did not say hell there's so many other countries to pick besides Colombia.
I asked is Colombia safe? He informed me that he's been doing a lot of research and his friend live there for two months last summer and that it was. Turns out Colombia is not the danger zone it used to be and is a thriving tourist destination now. Who knew?
I went online to check and found that is what the perception is now. While there are some unsafe areas, as there would be in any country, generally it's safe and tourism is becoming one of their bigger industries.
We discussed how he's going to present himself. He said, no expensive watch, he bought cheap sunglasses, and was planning on staying in the good hostels. The hiking trips and excursions from the hostiles we're legit and he's going to be using those to explore. He also learned how to say “foreign exchange student” in Spanish. He wraps up the trip with 4 nights 5 days at a beach resort on an island off Columbia.
I was proud of him. Many adults I know wouldn't be comfortable going on a trip by themselves. Heck many of them are comfortable being at home by themselves for an evening.
When I started taking you solo trips to go hiking half of my friends were jealous. “That is awesome” “I’m so jealous” were the comments. Surprising me the other half who made it clear they could never do that. Not because of logistics, but the thought of going away by themselves was not something they could handle.
Could you go away for a week by yourself? Are you comfortable with yourself?
What make some people unable to stay at the lake without a cell signal or be fearful of spending a week by themselves?
Are you comfortable enough with yourself for a solo trip? If not what work do you need to do to change that?
She's not wearing her wedding ring!
So what? It's a symbol that she's feeling disconnected or checked out. She has taken it off because of that or she could be testing you to see how you react.
Are you calm, the rock and say nothing? Or do you go into full hummingbird mode pointing it out, talking about how it bothers you, asking why? This issue comes up frequently with the men in our group as well as the men that I coach.
There's no way to tell the reason why she is not wearing it. Would you rather that she wear the ring, smile and act like she wants to be near you but is out screwing and 3 or 4 other guys?
Trust me I've known some women who have worn their ring played the role of a good wife and mother and a been carrying on affairs with multiple men for years before finally divorcing.
So are you secure enough not to give a fuck if she wears her wedding ring?
Trust and insecurity. You mistakenly think that your wife wearing her ring means everything may work out.
Women have the same issue if you're not wearing your ring. Have you known any of those wonderful guys when they're traveling out of town who take their ring off?
At a conference last year I observed men who took off their wedding rings while hanging out at the bar chatting with women from the conference.
I talked with some of the ladies as they were discussing how pathetic it was because they could see the white band on their ring finger so they knew these guys were married. I heard the phrase "sleazy" and "scummy" used in discussing those men.
At the end of the day, it's a symbol, and for some of you that are struggling in your marriage, it's a symbol of hope.
The reality is that your hope for the relationship, the relationship you are trying to save, is to be the rock and do the work to become a great man. Because if you are honest that relationship you are trying to save isn't worth saving.
Be the kinda man who does not react to things but chooses how he behaves and conducts himself so that he is in line with his values.
Episode 5 of the Man of Legacy Podcast!
This month I have coach Jeff Allen of Great Men Move Mountains who is one of my fellow coaches at Good Guys 2 Great Men.
Are you planning your week?
When Monday comes around are your already frazzled before the week starts? Because your kids had soccer practice do you hit the drive through instead of eating a decent meal?
Are you doing anything to plan your week? You should be looking at the week ahead and making a plan. This means taking some time on Saturday or Sunday with a cup of coffee, glass of wine or a beer and looking ahead. For me Sunday before church works well.
What should you be planning? Your work, unless that takes care of itself. What days and how are you going to exercise. Meals-are there kid’s activities a couple of nights so you need a crock pot meal, or need to do a little meal prep? Time with your wife or girlfriend and date night. Yes plan it!
I will tell guys you need to “plan your play!” Yes sexual spontaneity is a wonderful thing. However, sometimes when schedules are busy you must schedule and plan your play. It also tells your wife that she is a priority.
Trust me if you don’t schedule and plan date night it will not happen!
Spending 15-20 minutes on the weekend can make your life so much easier during the week. Look at your schedule then plan your meals for the week. Now that they are planned making a shopping list of what is needed, as you look what you have in the fridge and pantry as you get a fresh cup of coffee or glass of wine, it only takes a few minutes.
I use a note book which also lets me see what I cooked last week and the week before so I can make sure there is variety.
By doing a little planning you can make it more likely that the family can sit down for dinner 2-4 times a week. This is critical time without phones in our face to spend with our kids and significant other.
Monthly goals need to be set at the beginning of each month as well. If you do not set goals, plan how to achieve them you will look up, it will be the 23rd of the month and you have no chance to achieve the goals you set!
When you set monthly goals, these get factored into your weekly planning keeping you on track to accomplish your goals!
How to destroy your relationship with your daughter
I don’t typically get angry. But it happened today when I least expected it.
A friend told me her ex husband TEXTED his daughter who is a high school senior during the school day that he will not be able to attend her graduation because he has a business trip. This just pissed me off.
Because I believe fathers have a greater responsibility to their children than texting in a lame RSVP for the most important parts of their lives.
I am aware his relationship was already strained with his daughter. She is a great young lady and, without a doubt, strong willed. She is a teenage girl and being a strong father is challenging. I speak from personal experience.
The problems did not begin with this text. This is a dad whose daughter competes in an athletic program and qualified for state multiple years. He did not go to watch her compete at the state tournament. WTF! Nothing would have kept me from seeing my son when he wrestled at state. This guy has never made it a priority to go to any of her meets. He has always chosen work over family.
His key problem is he does not have the balls to stand up to his daughter. Is it easy? No. Would she respect him? Yes. Would he enjoy the time they spent together? Sometimes. But showing up is half the challenge in a relationship. You cannot build a relationship with someone if you are never there or are too insecure to be present with them.
He has his head so far up his ass he can’t see the light. No balls. It puts him in a challenging spot. He has a younger daughter who he will spend time with, but his whiny pathetic behaviors when with her is straining that relationship as well. Sadly he is just clueless to it. How long will it be before she tells him to go to hell or stops wanting to be around him period? I give it 18 months…maximum.
I believe when your kid starts their senior year in high school a dad should mark graduation day on his calendar. He probably should have done it at the end of their junior year. We shouldn’t need to be told this. We do not miss our kids’ high school graduation. End of discussion.
For example, when my wife was undergoing chemo I was told I had to attend a meeting with our largest client. It was a 10 million dollar deal regarding an expansion of our services to them.
They wanted to meet on the day my wife was to have chemo. I said no. I hit “reply all” on the email to the client stating that my wife was having chemo that day and was not available to meet. I informed them I could do the day before or another week.
The COO was not happy and made it clear. I did not give a fuck. Priorities. I had a boundary that I was not willing to cross. I also felt confident enough in the value I brought to the company. As I type this I know if he ordered me to go I would have laughed at him. My boss and the CEO would have had my back. It was a non-negotiable.
There are some jobs that require you to work on holidays like nurses and first responders. This guy who missed his daughter’s graduation is in IT. We are not talking about having to work on Christmas. This is his oldest daughter’s graduation! This is not how a man acts. This is how a lost, foolish man acts.
When his daughter is getting married will he be shocked if she does not want him to walk her down the aisle? When she has children will he be confused why he will be the last one to know and will probably find out second hand?
The question all men must ask is, “What is most important to me?” Where do you place your priorities with respect to your work? Your marriage? Your kids?
Where are your boundaries?
What is non-negotiable for you when it comes to attending your kids’ events? In my world, I never miss playoffs. I never miss state. And I sure as hell don’t miss their HS graduation.
What legacy are you going to create for your children? Leave a legacy your kids would be proud of. Show up, be there for them.